No offense to Justin Bieber's 2015 banger "Love Yourself," but the Biebs didn't quite explain how one goes about actually doing it. The concept of self love is nuanced, and way harder than what the self-care girlies on TikTok will have you believe. Do we just buy a bunch of face masks, stop cyberstalking our exes, start meal-prepping, and call it a day? Tbh, if you’re trying to figure out how to love yourself, you’re not alone. While the concept might sound basic, its execution is anything but.
Now, very simply, self-love is—duh—the act of loving ourselves, explains resident relationship expert for Match Group’s Chispa app, Gabriela Reyes, LMFT. “This doesn’t mean we’re never wrong or that we’re free of mistakes and imperfections, but that we approach all aspects of ourselves and our actions, positive or negative, in a kind, loving way.”
Sounds easy, right? Except we basically grew up thinking self-love and self-care were synonymous with, like, getting a massage. In reality, relationship consultant and Flo medical expert Morgan Cutlip, PhD, says it’s a bit more complex than that. “We know what love means when it comes to a pet, a child, or a partnership, but for some reason, we overthink what it means when it’s about ourselves,” she explains. “We have a relationship with ourselves, and self-love is how we nurture it.”
The catch? Simply treating yourself with love doesn’t always come naturally, especially if you’ve experienced trauma and hardship. That’s why, before you can love yourself, you need to be kind to yourself. “Meet your basic needs and practice self-care by getting enough sleep, eating balanced meals, or reaching out to someone you care about for social support," suggests founder of LifeTherapy Practice, Ashley Prechtl, LMFT. "Take time to do things that nourish your body, mind, and soul, whether it's exercising, meditating, reading, or spending time with loved ones.”
But that's just the beginning. Once your basic needs are met, it’s time to really fall for yourself. And if you’re looking for something a little deeper than just reciting a bunch of feel-good affirmations (no shade—we love affirmations, too!), you’ve come to the right place. Below, three relationship experts break down how to really, truly love yourself, no self-care books or spa days required. (But, like, we'll still never say no to a spa day.)
1. Treat Yourself Like a Friend
As mentioned, most of us have no trouble showing love to our pets and partners, but when it comes to ourselves, it’s a whole different story. That’s why Reyes encourages treating yourself like you would treat a friend. “Something I’ve noticed in many of my patients is constant self-deprecation,” she explains. “They’re unkind, belittling, and disparaging only to themselves. If you make an effort to speak to yourself the way you would your best friend, you’ll have an easier time finding the love you deserve to give yourself.”
Cutlip points out that re-defining how we view ourselves is key. “One of the ways we end up self-loathing is that we focus on the ways we’re falling short,” she says. “We have so much personal power over what we focus on and what we minimize. Loving yourself well means that you regularly make an effort to focus on the ways you’re showing up and doing amazing. How you see yourself has a direct influence on how you speak to yourself, and this really makes a huge difference in your life.”
2. Set (And Stick to!) Boundaries
ICYMI: All the experts agree that safe boundaries equal self-love. But we all know setting those boundaries can feel a tad awkward, especially at first. Even though it's easier said than done, trust that in reality, boundaries are meant to preserve relationships—both with yourself and with others.
“When you set and live out boundaries, you create the circumstances in which that relationship is safe,” Cutlip says. “When our relationships feel safe, they thrive. What better way to practice self-love than to create safe and loving boundaries with others and yourself so that your relationships can really flourish?”
And while, yes, it might be hard at first, the more you get used to saying no to others (and yes to yourself!), the easier it becomes. “By setting healthy boundaries, you prioritize your needs and preferences,” Prechtl adds. “You also communicate to yourself and others that your needs are worthy of respect. This reaffirms your self-worth and reinforces the idea that you deserve to be treated well.”
3. Keep Promises to Yourself
Remember that New Year's resolution you swore you'd stick to? Or that mid-week promise not to touch a drop of rosé? Yeah, we’ve all been there—making promises to ourselves that we just can’t seem to keep for one reason or another. But here’s the deal: keeping those promises is actually a massive part of self-love.
Cutlip explains it like this: "Every time we break a promise to ourselves, we erode our sense of trust or belief in ourselves. We end up feeling like we’re not dependable and that we can’t accomplish what we set out to do." Think of it as the ultimate ghosting—except you’re ghosting yourself! Not cool, right? "When you practice self-love, you show up for yourself and maintain and protect your promises," she adds. So, if you swore off mid-week drinks, stick to those mocktails and sparkling waters. Every time you keep a promise, it’s like a feedback loop that reinforces your belief in yourself and boosts your confidence.
And while you’re at it, make showing respect and empathy for yourself part of your daily routine. Prechtl suggests starting with small acts like embracing simple positive affirmations, acknowledging your needs, and really getting to know yourself—your likes, your interests, the whole shebang. It's about regarding yourself with the same respect and interest you’d hope others would show you. After all, you're pretty awesome, so why not treat yourself like it?
4. Be Your Own Debate Team
Remember high school debate class, where you had to defend ideas you didn't necessarily agree with all the time? Time to channel that energy, bb, because it’s a crucial step in the self-love journey. “Despite truly believing your negative narrative, debate and defend why it’s untrue,” Reyes says. Consider this permission to question any negative self-talk that might dominate your thoughts.
To do this, you’ll want to start by recognizing those nagging doubts. “Challenge and reframe toxic thoughts by looking at the facts,” Prechtl advises. First, become aware of the negative thoughts you have about yourself. Then, reframe these thoughts by examining the reality of the situation. “Many times, we create a false narrative around an event, but grounding ourselves in the facts brings clarity and reveals the truth behind the narrative we've constructed,” she explains.
Prechtl also suggests actively questioning these thoughts: "Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?" or "What evidence supports or contradicts this thought?" By doing this, you engage in a mental debate where you defend the positive aspects of yourself against the negative claims. It might sound silly, but it's effective. “Most of the time, we’re making up a negative story based on very little fact,” Reyes says. “Instead, make up a story where the outcome favors you, rooted in truth and positivity. The more time we give to positive stories, the more believable they become.”
5. Think of Self Love as a Journey, Not a Destination
Ready for the bad news? Self-love doesn't end in a grand finale where confetti drops from the ceiling because you’ve mastered the art of loving yourself. It’s more like your fav road trip playlist—full of ups, downs, and surprise hits. In other words, it's a never-ending journey, not some distant finish line. The only way to stay on course, Cutlip explains, is with regular self-check-ins.
“Remember that, like every other relationship in your life, your relationship with yourself will get thrown out of balance,” she says. "Life will work really hard to disconnect you and distract you from being in touch with yourself. Because of this, you have to create a ritual or practice that helps you regularly check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need.”
Take 30 seconds throughout your day for a mental pit stop—just like you might text a partner or friend to see how they're doing. If you notice you’re off-kilter, Reyes suggests immediate action to avoid a downward spiral. Move your body, blast some music, take a walk—change your perspective and get your heart pumping to shift your mindset when things seem bleak, she says.
6. Get Professional Help
Let’s be honest, even if you do all of the above, learning to love yourself can be incredibly challenging. Especially when it comes to trauma, hardship, or oppression, embarking on the journey solo isn't always feasible. That’s why Prechtl stresses the importance of seeking professional help. "When people have experienced hardships, working through it alone can be daunting. A licensed therapist provides a safe space to express emotions, bolster confidence, and foster self-trust, acceptance, and respect," she says.
Cutlip reinforces this, emphasizing that trauma shouldn't define you. "Anyone can love themselves, regardless of their past traumatic or oppressive experiences, she says, and advocates for professional guidance to navigate the healing journey effectively. Remember: Your trauma isn’t your fault, "and it certainly isn’t because something is wrong with you," says Cutlip. Working with a trusted professional can help.
No matter where you are on your self-love journey, Prechtl stresses just how worthy and deserving you are. “In today's world, it's all too easy to be bombarded with messages that chip away at our sense of worth,” she says. “But amidst this noise, it's vital to keep nurturing that relationship with yourself and be gentle along the way.” Let's face it, the greatest love story of your life should be the one you have with yourself. And epic love stories might not always be easy, but they're always worth it in the end.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
