Pathologizing relationships is so easy, and tempting. So there’s a great deal of talk about narcissistic partners. Recently I came across a Medium piece that invited the reader to consider autism spectrum disorders if narcissism didn’t fully explain their experiences.
There is an alternative. But first, the temptations and risks of these thoughts need attention.
If you’re struggling with the distressing feelings of a breakup seeking an explanation can be a powerful temptation. I have learned this from my own experiences. I have turned to this level of explanation both with respect to others and myself. I’m not proud to say so, but there it is.
In part, it is so tempting to diagnose because you’ve probably spent more time than anyone with this person, and know their patterns and behaviors firsthand. Who could be more qualified to make a determination than you?
However, the difficulties trained clinicians face diagnosing personality disorders really ought to give us pause about assessing our significant others. Meanwhile, there is a great deal that is unknown about autism. Needless to say, when diagnosing a client, clinical psychologists have both professional and ethical practices designed to equip them with objectivity. When we’re trying to cope with our own relationships, we have none of this objectivity.
It is Mental Health Awareness Month, which has occurred in May since 1949 in the United States. This is to do with acknowledging the struggles and challenges of having a defined mental health problem (pathology). But it is also, and perhaps more importantly, about reducing the stigma associated with acknowledging one’s own mental health struggles.
Enduring a breakup is a mental health struggle. And it is reasonable to seek explanations, and to analyze the behavior of others. But in so doing, it is easy to pathologize that person. This risks reducing their actions to the result of a pathology. It reinforces mental health stigma.
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A recent article in Hello, Love offered another, better approach. Instead of considering the person, consider the relationship as a whole. Is your partner attentive or demanding? Do they listen to understand or listen to reply? Are they competitive? Whose needs take center stage?
In the end, your experience of your relationship takes precedents. If you are perpetually being made to feel unconfident, gaslit, unvalued, unheard or subservient within your relationship, perhaps you ought to think about ending it. These questions allow you to explore your experience in the relationship. In so doing, you can avoid pathologizing an other while holding your partner or ex to account.
While it is important to accept the mental health struggles of others, these struggles should never be seen as an excuse for problematic relationship patterns and behaviors.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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