If you and someone you love have hurt one another and you’ve done your part to address your share of the problem, you might be wondering, what about the harm that was done to me? When will my partner take responsibility for what he’s done? Can’t he and I work towards o reconciliation together?
Ideally, your partner has already taken the hint. She noticed how well you apologized and the positive transformation you have undergone and wants a little of that for herself. You might have inspired her with your example when you couldn’t with your complaining. When you put your defenses down, she put down hers because she could and that’s all she really wanted all along.
Believe me, it usually works out this way. One person starts doing the right thing and the other one follows. One stops blaming the other and the other stops hitting the blame back like an angry and destructive game of ping pong. It usually works this way, but not always. Sometimes your partner is only too happy to see you accepting blame, so he doesn’t have to.
Modeling a new behavior, as you’ve been doing, is a very effective method of teaching, but sometimes people need a good swift kick in the ass, followed by step-by-step directions. It’s a delicate matter to deliver a good swift kick in the ass without violating the humility and conscientiousness you have developed as a result of doing your own work towards reconciliation. You may need step-by-step instructions on how to give step-by-step instructions.
There’s a reason I had you look at your own guilt before asking for an apology. If you neglect that step, then you’re no better than the guy who lets his partner do all the apologizing without admitting any regrets of his own. You’re looking for a free ride. There ain’t no free ride on the road to reconciliation. Everyone has got to pay the fare.
To put it another way, if you want to learn how to assert yourself and effectively deal with the people who misuse you, you can’t do it just by learning how to complain. You have to get in touch with your own power. You find your power right there next to your guilt.
There’s another reason to examine your guilt before you demand an apology. You learn how to make an effective demand by first making an effective apology. An effective demand for an apology is a mirror of an effective apology.
1. In an effective apology, you admit the offense you’re guilty of. In an effective demand, you describe the offense you suffered.
2. In an effective apology, you acknowledge how your offense impacted the other. In an effective demand, you declare how the offense impacted you.
3. In an effective apology, you promise how you will make amends. In an effective demand, you ask for what you want.
4. In an effective apology, you follow through with making amends and review your progress with your partner at regular, frequent intervals, so that you can make adjustments, as needed. In an effective demand, you remember the promises and review progress at regular, frequent intervals. You give credit due for progress and see failure as a need to make adjustments.
5. In an effective apology, you work towards change; eventually you change. In an effective demand, you work towards forgiveness. Eventually, you forgive.
If you’ve you’ve done your part to address your share of the problem, then you’re ready to seek justice. Let’s look more closely at how.
Coming Up Next: What to Complain About
Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of The Road to Reconciliation: A Comprehensive Guide to Peace When Relationships Go Bad, from which this article is adapted.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com