School and exams: Things parents should tell their kids instead of "get good marks"

If you have a school-going child, one of the biggest factors to measure if they are doing well is usually to check their report card. If it is drizzled with As, then everything is perfect. If it is causing your eyes to widen with some “ugly” Cs, your child may be in a disaster. Right? Wrong.

Even though marks are a quantitative representation of your child’s ability to understand their lessons and prove it, it is still the tip of the iceberg. Furthermore, focusing entirely on grades and marks may be hampering your child’s overall growth and development. According to Brent Sweitzer, a private practice professional counselor, “Children pick up on parents' anxiety about school performance and can internalize it.”

Most parents get so invested in their child’s education and grades that they see it as a reflection of their own success or failure. But is it right to put this burden on your child through a test which could not go well due to so many reasons? Maybe not. Maybe it’s time to take a break from telling your kid to go score “full marks” and work on these other, equally, if not more, important things.

As a parent you may be quick to jump in with your opinion on whether your kid’s grades are good enough or not. If your reaction matters to your child, then they are likely to judge themselves by how you feel. A reaction of disappointment, or worse, anger, can shake your kid’s confidence as well as their relationship with studies and learning.

So, instead of saying things like “could have done better,” or “that was a silly mistake,” ask them what they feel about their grades and where they think they need help.

We are not saying that you let your child struggle and fail. Of course, you need to intervene and help them when they need or want it. But the point here is to not overly stress on the exam, specifically the result.

In order to raise a confident kid, you need to show and tell them that you trust them and this can be done “by letting children be responsible for their own work based on what’s developmentally appropriate,” says Sweitzer, adding, “Children tend to thrive when they feel emotionally safe and feel the adults in their lives actually believe in them.”

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This may not be easy, neither for the child, and maybe not for you either. But it’s essential. If your child does not get good grades, then instead of lecturing them on their screen time or saying things like “get serious now or you will repent later,” have a non-dramatic and unfiltered conversation with your child.

Often the child may not know themselves why they are struggling academically. Ask them about their school day in general, their subjects, teachers, chapters they are currently studying, their favourite story so far, any tricky math lessons they had…and so on. The idea is to make your kid talk and help them figure out what may not be working best for them.

Apart from solving math word problems, can your kid solve life problems? One day the child is out of school and bam! We think they are adults or almost adults ready to conquer the world. You might have spent a lot of money in coaching classes for competitive exams, but did you coach them on how to navigate the world?

This too should begin right from the beginning, just like learning the alphabet. It is only through social and emotional intelligence, and not marks or income levels, that your kid can understand and manage their emotions, feel and express empathy for others, and make responsible decisions.

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Extracurricular activities are the things that go beyond your kid’s books. Most children feel strongly for their extracurriculars as these are fun and click closer to the child’s interests, say, instead of geography or math.

Seeing their kid’s strong interest in sports or dance or singing or painting…many parents worry whether these will distract the child from the primary goal - achieving good marks.

But we need to rethink the idea of academics being the only primary goal. Help them maintain a balance but do not discourage them to pursue their interests and hobbies with the zeal and passion they have. Careers go beyond books are the sky's the limit. Support your child, guide them wherever needed and celebrate all their wins with equal joy and pride - not just the 20/20 weekly exam result score.