There are few things in life more valuable than friendship, but it sure sounds like a cheap consolation prize when it’s offered at the end of a breakup.
The breakup initiator: “Despite the fact that I’d rather try my luck with random strangers than stay in a relationship with you, I really care about you. I hope we can stay friends.”
The breakup recipient: “Oh wow, that really does wonders for my self-esteem! Let’s give it a try!”
Or something to that effect. However the conversation plays out, “staying friends” is a goal that sounds great in theory — you used to care deeply about each other and your lives were intertwined, so it makes sense, right? And wouldn’t we all want to explore options that might make a breakup suck a little less? But in practice, it almost never works. And that’s actually good news for everyone involved.
Let’s start with the tough news, though.
Even in its wording, “staying friends” is a false proposal after a relationship has ended. The couple weren’t friends, they were romantically entangled in some way, shape, or form. So the platonic friendship that’s now being offered isn’t something they can “stay” in; it would have to rise from the ruins of the now-failed relationship. And if that sounds like a terrible location to build a solid friendship, it most certainly is.
Attempted friendship with an immediate ex is also a surefire way to slow down the healing process, particularly for the person who didn’t initiate the breakup. Staying in each other’s lives as friends simply adds confusion and fuels the (likely futile) hope of reconciliation if one person still has romantic feelings for the other. Continued contact right after a breakup provides an invitation to denial. Only time and space from a former partner can open the door fully to a fresh start.
And a fresh start is what both members of a couple deserve if they can no longer be together successfully. The sooner that can happen for each of them, the better.
At this point, you may be ready to call me a pessimist and argue that a friendly breakup is in fact possible. Maybe you have an example from your social circle; maybe you have one from your own relationship history. But I would venture to guess that if you study the exes in question, you’d find that they had to take space from one another before they were able to form any kind of legitimate friendship. And that space, even if it’s brief, makes all the difference when it comes to recovering from heartbreak.
To expand on the concept of, “If you love something, set it free,” you need to let your ex do their grieving without you, and they need to let you do yours without them. Only when that process is complete can the two of you explore what genuine friendship might look like. Maybe it will fit like a glove, or maybe you’ll both find that it’s healthiest to keep going your separate ways. Maybe the time apart as non-lovers and non-friends will allow the two of you to work on the parts of yourselves that contributed to problems in the relationship, and you’ll find that it’s worth giving your romance another try.
None of those potential paths will be available to you unless you take the opportunity to focus inward after a breakup. Lean hard on your support system, do what you need to do to be happy with who you are on your own, and then decide if friendship with your ex is part of your next chapter.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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