Is your Insta constantly flooded with engagement pics, proposal videos, and sparkly ring reveals? From iconic celebrity proposals to seeing your college bestie showing off her new bling, it can feel like everyone, everywhere is getting engaged every damn day. Of course, not every couple necessarily wants to tie the knot. But if you are considering getting engaged, how do you know it’s the right time? How soon is "too" soon to propose to your partner?
Relationship timelines aren’t one-size-fits-all, and only you can really know what feels right for you. A 2015 study by researchers from Emory University found that couples who date for at least one year before getting engaged may increase their odds of a successful marriage. According to a 2018 report by eHarmony, American couples know each other for an average of five years before getting married—except for millennials (ages 25-34), who wait an average of six and a half years. The Knot’s 2022 Real Weddings Survey found that people tend to get married around age 31—but of course, age and timeline will look different for different couples.
Data from Pew Research Center shows that about 65 percent of millennials want to be married someday, but feel they aren’t ready due to finances, not finding a partner with the qualities they’re looking for, being too young, or not being ready to settle down. So, in short: There’s lots to consider, and it can be tricky to know when you’re actually ready for engagement.
So how do you know if it’s time to propose? Whether you’re anxious, on the fence, or questioning your timing, here are some of the most common signs that it’s too soon to propose, according to experts.
10 Signs It's Too Soon to Propose
1.You’re Still in the Honeymoon Phase.
Licensed therapist and board-certified coach Lori Kret, LCSW, co-founder of the Aspen Relationship Institute, recommends getting through the honeymoon phase before proposing. “In the first phase of many relationships—typically six months to two years—much of the connection is driven by hormonal lust and limerance,” she says. Things may seem perfect and you may want to get married ASAP, but good chemistry doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for a lifelong commitment. “In many ways, the initial connection is superficial…it’s only after partners have started to put down their shiny facades and be vulnerable and messy with each other that real love has a chance to grow,” Kret says.
2. You Don’t Know Your Partner Very Well.
A little mystery can be sexy in a relationship, but if you’re just starting to get to know your partner and haven’t established a strong foundation yet, engagement may not be the move. “If you don’t think you know your partner well enough to commit—with full truth—that you are ready to spend the rest of your foreseeable future with this person, it may be too soon to get engaged,” says licensed clinical psychologist Kate Cummins, PsyD. Asking questions, seeking to understand them deeper, and giving the relationship time to flourish can help clarify your decision down the line.
3. Your Relationship Feels Insecure or Unstable.
It’s crucial to feel fully at ease with your partner before proposing, says Cummins. Specifically, you want to make sure that there’s mutual trust and sense of safety between you, and that you’re aligned on core values. “Safety also includes attachment style,” Cummins adds. “Have you found a secure attachment within the relationship?” If things feel unstable—or if you’re not convinced you’re totally secure and confident in the relationship as it stands today—it may be too soon to propose.
4. You Haven’t Met Their Family, Friends, or Social Circles Yet.
Getting engaged typically indicates that you want your SO to be part of your life in a bigger way—which means your social and family lives will most likely become intertwined. If you haven’t met your partner’s friends or loved ones yet, it may be too soon for an engagement.
“When we get married, we become part of our partner's life and are integrated into their social and family networks,” says licensed psychologist Angelique Snyder, PsyD. “Having a partner who can seamlessly join these domains is indicative of more positive outcomes. If someone has not met the people who are most important to their spouse, I would have concerns that they have not [yet] acclimated to their partner's life.”
5. You Haven’t Really Talked About the Future In Detail.
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but having a serious convo about your future should be a key part of your pre-engagement plan. “Couples must feel comfortable discussing their future plans, thoughts, needs, and desires when thinking about a possible proposal,” says licensed therapist and relationship expert Jordanne Sculler, LMHC. “Couples should ask themselves if their futures align and if they will be able to support each other,” she says, which may include specific goals and expectations around career, finances, relocating, sex, intimacy, and more.
6. You Feel Pressured into Making a Decision.
Do your friends keep asking when you’re going to put a ring on it? Maybe your partner has been heavily hinting that they’re ready to get engaged, but you’re still unsure. Whatever the case, experts recommend taking a step back from the noise and reflecting on how you feel. “There can be pressure from parents, partners, and friends to pop the question,” Kret says. But it’s up to you and your partner (and no one else, really) to decide what feels best for your relationship. “Create an intention of getting to know yourself and your partner more deeply, and through those experiences, you’ll gain clarity on whether and when to propose.”
7. You Have Important, Unresolved Issues to Work Out.
If you have looming problems or resentment that has gone unaddressed, you may want to hold off and consider whether or not you’re both emotionally ready for an engagement. “If there are significant unresolved conflicts, disagreements, or fundamental incompatibilities in values, goals, or lifestyles, it's important to address and work through these before considering a lifelong commitment,” says professional matchmaker Sameera Sullivan, MS. Getting engaged doesn’t magically make underlying issues disappear, so try to address things now so they don’t cause problems later on.
8. You Haven’t Experienced Significant Conflict Together.
If you haven’t worked through challenges together, it may be too soon to propose. “The resilience theory suggests that individuals and relationships can grow and become stronger when faced with adversity or challenges,” says Lauren Cook-McKay, LMFT, vice president of marketing at Divorce Answers. “If your relationship has limited exposure to different situations or being confined in the same ‘safe’ environment, you may not know how well you adapt and work together as a couple.”
9. You Don’t Have a Strong Emotional Connection With Your Partner.
You may have super hot sex with your partner and feel drawn to them physically, but if you haven’t formed an emotional bond, it’s probably too soon to propose. “If there is a lack of deep emotional connection, trust, and understanding between partners, it may indicate that the relationship needs more time to develop before considering engagement,” Sullivan says. Does your partner make you feel emotionally seen? Is there a mutual sense of emotional intimacy in addition to sexual chemistry? If not, pause before popping the big question.
10. You Have a Physical Reaction or “Gut Feeling” That It’s Too Soon.
When deciding whether or not to propose, trust your intuition. If your body has a clear physical reaction (read: not a good one) when thinking about proposing, Cummins says it may be too soon. “Our bodies signal to us way before our cognitions are clear about our needs,” Cummins says. “If you think about getting engaged and start having physical symptoms of anxiety [like] increased heart rate, a flushed face, sweaty palms, or your body feels like it’s racing, you may not feel ready to get engaged.”
Butterflies are totally normal and expected, but if your anticipation feels more like dread than excitement, listen to your intuition. If you feel confident, secure, and ready to move forward, amazing! You’ve got this. And if you decide to wait, that’s okay, too. Either way, don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner directly about your hesitations or seek guidance if you need it. This decision is big, and you deserve support along the way.
Tianna Soto is a writer, editor, and professional wellness speaker based in New York City. Previously, she was a contributing editor on the dating team at Elite Daily and an associate editor at Her Campus Media. When she’s not writing, you can find her traveling, singing, and speaking with college audiences about mental health. You can connect with her on Instagram and Twitter.
