My friend ranks his friendships in a league table – and it worries me

Over a few drinks, a good friend of mine recently let slip that he keeps a spreadsheet of his friends, which he uses to rank them in tiers. Initially I laughed it off as drunken ramblings, but he then proceeded to show me the actual document, saved on his phone with comments next to people’s names.

I learned that he keeps a running score of his friends based on how often they WhatsApp him, take the time to call him or go to the pub or on a trip abroad together.

At first I found the whole idea amusing and was actually pleased to see I ranked quite highly in his “friendship matrix”, as he likes to call it.

However, the more I thought about it, the more anxious and worried I became. I live abroad and don’t get to see my friend all that often, so now I’m slightly terrified I will be relegated to a lower rank and overtaken by other friends who might have more time for him.

Is this a normal thing for someone to do? I don’t know. But what I do know is that it has become a source of worry to me. Should I bring up the subject with him, or is it best to leave it be?

I don’t know if it’s normal, but I have never heard of it before. I’m sure readers will fill in any gaps. I think some people keep a mental tally of “that friend is really reliable/best in person/for a fun night out” etc, but to commit it to paper seems time consuming at best.

As I have got older, I have thought more about motivation, and I wonder what your friend’s was for doing this. Is it, perhaps, so he can make sure he is an equally good friend to people he thinks merit it?

I went to the UKCP-registered psychotherapist Ryan Bennett-Clarke. He felt this was a “curious process, which may be a manifestation of fear, insecurity, a need for power or even being passive-aggressive. As in: instead of your friend expressing any dissatisfaction directly, it becomes displaced in this ‘friendship matrix’.”

Bennett-Clarke went on to wonder if this was your friend’s idea of “righting historic wrongs by displacing anger and punishment on to people in the present, rather than confronting hurt and disappointment from the past”. Someone might do this if they are unable, for whatever reason, to bring up how they feel to the person involved. This secret “league table” may make your friend feel powerful.

Of course, we cannot rule out neurodivergence and your friend simply keeping up with friendships so that he can reciprocate. And in some cases of neurodivergence, things like friendship, which have a high emotional currency, can be treated as more transactional.

The thing is, friendships are hard to quantify. Some people you only hear from occasionally but you know would absolutely be there for you if needed. Some can text every day but are as flakey as a good millefeuille when the chips are down.

We could muse for a while about the why, but should you say anything to him? Bennett-Clarke felt this could be helpful. After all, there may have been a reason your friend showed you this. Maybe you could use it as a springboard to talk about not only why your friend has this spreadsheet, but also what friendship means. “This could be an opportunity to facilitate a meaningful dialogue about friendship and realistic expectations.”

I wasn’t so sure. Your friend may deny it or say he doesn’t keep it any more, and I think this may lead to more unrest within you. I agree that a meaningful discussion would be really therapeutic and interesting, but I worry this would be hard to achieve given what you have told me about your friend. And it may then become a “thing” between you, where you are always asking where you are in the league table. I suppose, going back to the motivation: do you think your friend was showing you as a power move, or to include you? You also need to consider why this bothers you so much. We are far more than rankings on someone’s list (which, anyway, would be highly subjective). That said, a little restorative justice might be useful – you could mentally think of your own matrix and wonder where you would put your friend. And then put the whole thing to bed.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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