Womankind has always been synonymous with Springtime to me.
I don’t know about you, but whenever Spring comes around, I feel more jovial. Daylight Savings Time begins, the Sun is out more often, and the overwhelming beauty of nature is in full bloom everywhere you look.
Women aren’t that different. They make me really happy. I’ve never seen a woman who’d make me feel compelled to cross the street at night the moment I gaze at her (unless it’s an ex). Basically, I feel safe around them.
I’m proud to say I’m a guy who champions women and has for some time — not just because it’s becoming culturally permissible to nowadays. At my core, I genuinely believe women are better than men for a variety of reasons and have no problem admitting this. I’m not the prideful type.
All of that is mostly due to me being a proud Mama’s boy. My mother did a stellar job teaching me skills fundamental to life and success while also showcasing what true love for another person looks like.
Because of her, I know how indispensable females are to society and how to value them without wanting sex first or in exchange. There’s more to life than orgasms.
It was a bit of a harrowing reality to learn that not all guys are this way.
That there are men out there who actively deceive women for innumerable selfish reasons, most of them related to sex. That some males openly take advantage of their physical prowess while others look down on women for being more complex emotional beings.
Women have been let down by guys since the day they came out of their mother’s womb. Very few men are aware of their shortcomings. Even fewer own up to them, let alone apologize.
Instead, we choose ego over humility, further complicating our relationship with women as a whole while giving them more reasons to retreat from our species.
So, to every female out there reading, consider this an apology to all of you on behalf of myself and other guys like me.
It’s one you probably didn’t know you needed.
Childhood
I’m sorry for the fathers who were too aggressive in any capacity during your childhood. Little girls are as delicate as the flowers being picked in the photo above.
NOT frail, soft, or weak. Delicate.
And yet, all too often, fathers fail to acknowledge this, exhibiting excessive levels of aggression emotionally, physically, or verbally.
I’ve seen how these seemingly innocuous encounters can lead to grudges, hatred, or innumerable therapy sessions to heal the resulting wounds and vowed to never be that type of father toward my daughter.
I actually paid attention to John Mayer’s warning.
I’m sorry for those of you whose parents sheltered them from life’s harsh realities too much. While working in the Career Development Center at the University of Arkansas, I was having a conversation with my boss, a female, about life after college.
Point blank, she told me she was bitter because her parents romanticized what life would be like since she’s a female, raising her in a way that lacked exposure to how hard life actually is.
When the harrowing realities set in — like bills, loan payments, and working full-time for the next 40ish years — she felt tremendously unprepared.
I’d definitely pamper the life out of my daughter if I had one, but I’d ALSO make sure I adequately prepared her for the highs and lows of life. Anything less warrants the prospect of resentment toward me.
Adolescence
I’m sorry for those of you who grew up with a dad/male figure that didn’t set a solid example of what a man is and how he should treat a woman. It’s unbelievable how important this is — in explicit and subtle ways.
Girls look to their father to figure out what type of guy to pursue. The better the example set, the higher their standards, making it almost certain they won’t date a guy without first vetting him.
The same can be said about the inverse. Girls who grow up around shoddy examples — or without one at all — are more predisposed to dysfunction, making them more likely to wind up in an unstable relationship than those with quality examples.
I’m sorry about all the guys who broke your hearts as teenagers. If we’re being honest, most teenage boys have NO IDEA what they’re doing when they date girls.
They’re oblivious to what love means to a budding female adolescent. They aren’t aware of the importance of tenderness. Most are looking for sexual conquests.
I know it sucks.
Young Adulthood
I’m sorry for the guys who think it’s okay to use you sexually. Most women become privy to this during young adulthood, beginning the process of disdain toward males. There’s nothing inherently wrong with liking sex or wanting it.
Problems arise when it gets prioritized over another’s humanity, something men are excellent at. Personally, I think being able to control default feelings and innate responses, especially sexual ones, is what separates quality guys from average ones.
We all have them; smart guys suspend acting on them impulsively.
I’m sorry about the men who take advantage of your emotional nature. You know who I’m talking about. They’re the guys who appeal to your sensitive side when they find themselves in a jam, using flowery sentences and other deceptive means to get you to lower your guard.
There’s no authenticity or sincerity involved. It’s merely a ploy to help them have their cake and eat it too — or keep you in their life without having to make changes or sacrifices.
No women should have to put up with this level of self-centeredness.
I’m sorry about males who don’t appreciate or understand the importance of tenderness. As an urban African American male from Philly, this concept was once lost on me.
Then I moved down South and started dating sorority girls. On one occasion, I’d just bought a bunch of board games for my girlfriend at the time; we’ll call her Evangeline.
We had a great time playing chess, checkers, and tic-tac-toe together. Eventually, our playful nature got the best of us, turning into a wrestling match. At the time, I cared more about winning our playfight than making sure we both still had fun.
I ended up slamming her on my living room floor. It didn’t hurt her, but it was too aggressive. Upset, she started to yell. Rather than take it, I lashed back out, ruining what was otherwise an enjoyable summer afternoon.
Months later, when we were having a conversation about that instance, she told me she was upset because I didn’t seem to understand how to be tender, something important to most of womankind.
I unintentionally hurt her, then doubled down by yelling at her when she was upset. That type of behavior can end a relationship. Luckily for me, she was patient enough to point out my shortcomings and how to fix them.
That’s stuck with me since. Tenderness is paramount to women.
I’m sorry for the excessive value placed on your looks. Guys don’t have to deal with this as much, so we don’t empathize as often as we should. We don’t have the body insecurity issues women have. I think this is mostly due to how physical appearance is prioritized over personality.
It didn’t hit me how deeply embedded this is in the fabric of our society until I watched the pilot episode of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, a popular series on Amazon Prime Video.
In the series premiere, after sneaking out while her husband was asleep, Midge Maisel (portrayed by Rachel Brosnahan) returns home, puts her hair in curlers, and takes off all her makeup before climbing into bed.
Right before he wakes up, she takes her hair out of the curlers, puts her makeup back on, and hops back into bed. When he does arise, she’s told how beautiful she is before he gets ready for his day.
That was the moment I realized even good guys have work to do. I never want to make my future wife feel as though she isn’t enough as is. Makeup should be used to enhance or supplement a woman’s beauty; it shouldn’t be the source of it. Any guy who disagrees is too superficial for my taste.
Adulthood & Beyond
I’m sorry about the guys who expect you to be a “traditional” wife while working a full-time job. The ones who want you to work, clean, cook, and child rear with minimal to no support from them.
I’ve seen firsthand how stressful this is on women. In virtually every instance, they eventually exploded on their spouse, unleashing a torrent of pent-up emotions all addressing the burden they bear.
I’m sorry for those of you who’ve dealt with men that think it’s okay to cheat. As humans, we’re bound to be attracted to other people. That doesn’t make it okay to sleep with someone who isn’t your partner.
When tempted, they should open up about the nature of whatever relationship might lead them toward infidelity, not indulge in the ensuing feelings.
I’m sorry about the men (or vermin) who treat you like inferiors because of your color, looks, pronouns, sexual orientation, or any other protected statuses.
As a dark-skinned Black male, I know what it’s like to be judged based on my looks instead of my character and treated as a second-class citizen. The sad part? It’s usually White men doing the judging.
I’m sorry you have to live in a country whose government thinks it’s okay to regulate women’s bodies. I have NO idea what that feels like.
The closest I come is learning about what life was like for Black people during the Jim Crow Era — when it was okay to tell them what bathrooms to use, where to eat, or what water fountains they could use. Each offering was radically inferior to the offerings for White people.
I’m sorry for every knucklehead who fails to understand the importance of lifelong pursuit to you. Most guys, consciously or unconsciously, go all out to pursue the woman of their dreams…only to stop putting in consistent effort once they land them.
They stop using cute pet names. They no longer pay attention to little details. Planning date nights or outings becomes a hassle. Intimacy dwindles, making it feel like you’re in a stagnant relationship.
To most men, the hard work and continuous pursuit stops the moment you say I do. The others, that’s merely the end of the first chapter.
I’m sorry about how exhausted men have made you with all guys — and life — by this point. My biological father wasn’t the greatest guy. He was a financially savvy, a hustler, and intelligent, but he wasn’t a good husband or family man.
He was abusive toward my mother, something I wish she didn’t put up with. The final straw was when he became unfaithful. That was the end of any sort of stability in their union.
It soured her life outlook and made her incredibly bitter. The woman who once had tremendous zeal for life now struggled to get out of bed in the aftermath of their split. She never recovered, making another shot at love impossible.
I never want to be the type of guy to kill the light within the woman I call the love of my life. It’s why I’m so hesitant to jump into any relationship.
Final Thoughts
I know this article won’t apply to every woman. There are plenty of you out there who are happily married, or not interested in marriage, or not interested in men. I get that.
I still felt compelled to write this for several reasons. Above all else, I want women to know that there are guys out there who are aware of how lackluster our gender is and sympathetic to what women go through.
Not all straight guys are bad guys. Some of us want nothing to do with the madness that is the modern world of intimacy and relationships. I do, but not without learning as much as I can about womankind — the good, bad, and ugly — BEFORE plunging into a relationship.
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I’m not looking for any attention with this article. It also isn’t an exhaustive list. I just want to showcase a simple fact; there are men out there who don’t contribute to the mess that is our gender.
Don’t lose faith in all of us.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: sebastiaan stam on Unsplash