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Dear Elaine: How can I maintain a more positive mind-set as a fearful and stressed-out mom? I have the most joyful 1-year-old daughter who I love and cherish deeply. But day-to-day I am always assuming the worst-case scenario about, well, everything. Is my baby getting asthma from living in the city? Am I going to lose my job because I’m too tired to be focused all day? Is nuclear warfare going to ruin our children’s futures?

I had traumatic experiences giving birth and during the early postpartum weeks. I really had to advocate for myself to be cared for properly in the hospital, which included convincing them to check if I had enough blood in my body (I did not). I feel like my “worst-case scenario” mind-set saved my life and that I need to think this way to protect my baby. This negative mind-set prevents me from being present with my literal bundle of joy.

Assuming the worst in the back of my mind is becoming so exhausting and sometimes debilitating. I always remember thinking, “Mom! Calm down!” when I was growing up. Now I understand why my mom was like that. The mental load we carry as mothers is so heavy. We are the ultimate protectors.

There is so much I want to accomplish in my career and experience in full joy with my baby. How do I balance being her (and my) protector while at the same time letting go of debilitating fears? I need positivity to energize me through work and life, but I just can't seem to tap into a positive mind-set lately.

Scared Mom: First: Let’s just take one big collective cleansing breath and release — woosah! Now that you’ve exhaled and released some of the stress you’re bottling up in your body: congratulations on joining the new mom club! And I don’t mean that like it’s all smiles and blissful cuddles. Welcome to a sisterhood of women who are experiencing similar high highs and low lows — but too often suffer in silence. Thank you for being brave enough to voice what so many feel but never say. Know that you are not alone.

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Elaine Welteroth writes about big life changes. She gives readers advice about finding what is next after burnout, a friendship that ended in ghosting and changing your mind about your dream job.

<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/interactive/2023/ask-elaine-welteroth-advice-question/">Submit your question here.</a>

I am so sorry you went through such a traumatic birth experience. It sounds like you never got to really heal and deal with what happened to you because you went right into the nonstop hamster wheel of mothering. Anyone could walk away from an experience like that with some trauma that, if unaddressed, can form emotional and psychological patterns that don’t serve you. The same vigilance that saved your life can quickly become an unhealthy cycle of hyper vigilance that will rob you of the joys of life.

You are in the middle of the most intense 24 (ish) months of hormonal, physical, emotional, relational and professional disruption a human can go through. Being pregnant, giving birth, keeping a baby alive, navigating America’s abysmal maternity leave standards, all while recovering from birth trauma that no one prepares you for or helps you recover from requires so much strength. I hope you can give yourself a bit of grace. Whatever pressure you may be feeling to “be” or “act” a certain way, try to let that go.

And I mean really let it go. Cry it out, shout it out, and ideally talk it out with a professional. If you can afford to, seek out a therapist who has experience working with new moms (ideally someone with lived experience who can relate). They can help rule out any formal diagnoses, like postpartum anxiety, which doesn’t get discussed as much postpartum depression and typically presents differently. If you can’t find a therapist or don’t have the energy it can take to find one, go to your OBGYN who may be able to diagnose you or refer you to a mental health professional. I had a friend who struggled with postpartum anxiety for months before it was diagnosed. By then, it had already wreaked havoc on her mental health and her marriage.

Do you have a partner? If so, do they know all you’ve been going through? Do you have any fellow mom friends you can lean on for support? You aren’t supposed to navigate the intersecting challenges of new working motherhood alone. No one is.

Get curious about what’s beneath the constant worry and anxiety you’re experiencing. Carve out 10-20 nonnegotiable minutes every day to journal as a self check-in and try not to judge what comes up. Over time, you may see patterns emerge that can help you gain clarity. Daily affirmations, mantras and breathing exercises could also be helpful tools in moments of acute anxiety when you feel like you’re losing control of your thoughts.

Whatever you do, please don’t bury this or keep it to yourself. Reach out and get the help you need to cope with the challenges in order to more fully embrace the blessings that come with motherhood.

Elaine Welteroth writes the Ask Elaine advice column for The Washington Post. She is an award-winning journalist, a TV host, the former editor in chief of Teen Vogue and an author. 

Elaine Welteroth

Ask Elaine: After a traumatic birth, new mom has debilitating fears

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