One of the most common discussions in polyamory and other ENM/CNM (ethical non-monogamy/consensual non-monogamy) groups and communities is the different challenges men and women face in the lifestyle.
For example, you will often see posts about male partners encountering issues like the following:
Guys- what is the best way you have found to meet potential partners? I am feeling absolutely awful because my wonderful husband is having such a difficult time finding even just someone to talk to. He is feeling so discouraged and like he will never find someone… It hurts my heart beyond words to see him feeling so dejected over this. Help! — Anonymous member of a polyamory discussion group
One of the most common issues that polyamorous men (and anyone attracted to women) face is that they have a hard time meeting new prospective women partners, while one of the most common issues that polyamorous women face is that they have a hard time finding quality men partners that will commit.
We see the same thing outside of polyamory:
Men (and anyone else attracted to women) have much more trouble meeting new women, and women have much more trouble finding quality men for committed relationships. The polyamory context just makes it a lot more extreme.
One of the major advantages that we straight men have, though, is that it’s easier to enter into a good, committed relationship once we actually meet enough women. We just need to find a way to achieve the same abundance that women have when it comes to meeting new prospective male partners.
I (cishet male) have been practicing polyamory for many years and have had many relationships with women during that time.
I was only able to do this because I spent literally two decades obsessed with self-improvement and making myself more confident, charismatic, and attractive to women in any way possible. This first and foremost involves practicing social skills and putting yourself out there. If the woman from the above quote’s husband wants to have more women partners, he has to put in the work (which starts with learning from resources such as my book).
Dating is a very gendered experience.
Women can invest in themselves to make themselves more appealing, but after that, they comparatively don’t need to do so much if they are interested in masc people since we’re the ones doing most of the initiating. Men must master that initiating in a way that is appealing, confident, not creepy, etc. if they want any chance at standing out amongst all the other men who are also trying to do the same thing.
It’s also not a good sign that the woman posted this cry for help on behalf of her husband, rather than the husband proactively seeking solutions himself.
It’s like a job candidate’s mom showing up for the job interview rather than the candidate himself. It’s likely that he managed to get married out of sheer luck rather than through any concerted effort of his own.
This is all too common. And partners (who are women) post here on behalf of their struggling to date partners (who are men) often. You posting for him is a sign he’ll need to take more ownership of his experience in polyamory than he did in monogamy. And that you’d probably be well served (and probably will grow) to do less. — Anonymous respondent to the above quote
If you’re a man who is attracted to women, and want any chance of dating more than one woman, let me say this in no uncertain terms:
You need to be a proficient seducer.
You need to know how to set up your life in a way that allows you to constantly meet women without relying on dating apps.
You need to know how to approach women and have engaging conversations with them that hold their interest.
You need to know how to flirt in a way that allows women to feel that “spark” or “chemistry.”
And you need to do all of that even better than most monogamous men. Why?
Monogamy is our society’s default standard of relationship style.
If you’re monogamous, it’s like you only need to meet the minimum requirements to participate. Polyamory, being an alternative relationship style, is something that is unfamiliar to most people.
There are tons of women out there who would be open to polyamory, but currently aren’t because they don’t even know what the heck it is. Or they think it’s something that it isn’t.
The only way you would have a chance at dating these women polyamorously is if you’re skilled enough to:
- Keep their interest strongly enough so that they would be willing to learn what polyamory actually is, and
- Quickly discover their values and core motivations, and
- Connect those values and motivations to a good and fair representation of polyamory/ENM/CNM, if applicable.
Doing this often takes a lot more “seduction” (I know some of you have some hangups about that word, but get over it) skill than is required of men seeking monogamous relationships.
You have your work cut out for you.
It’s a good thing there are dating coaches for men who wrote books that can help make that learning process a lot easier and less painful, though. 😉
…
Found this guide useful? Subscribe for free to make sure you don’t miss out on any of my future articles.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Tyler Nix on Unsplash