Hylke Faber, CEO and Coach at Growth Leaders Network & award-winning author of Taming Your Crocodiles: Unlearn Fear & Become a True Leader.
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All generations in the workplace, except baby boomers, have experienced a decline in engagement since 2020, according to a recent Gallup article by Jim Harter, Ph.D.
How do we build and rebuild engagement? Based on our work with client teams over 20 years, we believe that engagement is driven by three factors: connecting to our authentic selves (I), each other (We) and our purpose (It), what we call our Connectedness Quotient, or CQ. We build engagement by developing CQ: connecting to ourselves and what is most important to us (I), for example by using our talents well and living our values at work, being connected to others at work and having strong relationships (We), and by building connectedness to the company’s mission and vision and what we do (It).
In this article, we will explore the second dimension of CQ: connecting to each other.
How Well Do I Know You?
Connecting with others starts with getting to know each other well. Ask yourself, on a scale from 1-10, how well you really know the people in your team. A 10 is deeply knowing their values, their fears, their history, their likes and dislikes, and what makes them tick. A one is only knowing a little bit about what they do. How well do you really know them? How well do they know each other? Most people have only a superficial, transactional understanding of the other. Most people connect task-to-task rather than human-to-human at work.
A friend I’ll call Cheryl was recently promoted to a senior leader position in a multi-generational team. The pandemic and remote work had taken a toll on the team’s trust and working relationships. Cheryl noticed how disconnected they seemed and wondered how to encourage them to be more cohesive, connected and open to learning from each other. How could this be accomplished?
She chose to invest intentional time with the team to really get to know each other.
Say, what? Aren’t you too busy for that?
Bonds That Transcend Our Tasks
I witnessed another team’s meeting. There was tension in the room. People were disagreeing with each other. It felt heated. You could feel the division and polarization. Then we went out for dinner. Each person was asked to bring a quote or poem that spoke to who they are as leaders and human beings.
Shared Manuel: “Courage over comfort.” Others were asked why they sensed Manuel had chosen this quote. Responded Jesse: “I can see why you chose this. I see you as a person who is willing to speak his mind and take an unpopular stance. I also know that you came from a poor family and have worked hard to overcome obstacles to be where you are today. I see you putting yourself in the stretch zone a lot of the time.” Manuel smiled and responded: “Thank you. Thank you for seeing me.” Jesse, who had only hours before been upset with Manuel for disagreeing with him now walked over to Manuel and hugged him.
The same happened to Cheryl and her team. They spent a few hours talking about their aspirations for their lives and also shared about their best and worst moments in their career so far. What came from this was a camaraderie that made their conversations, also about day-to-day business issues, lighter, more human and fun.
I have seen this time and again. When we get to know each other at a deeper level, beyond our roles, opinions, actions and achievements, we form bonds that transcend any specific issue.
Why is curiosity about the other so powerful? It connects us to one of the energies that uplift us as human beings: love. Curiosity is one of the tenets of love. ‘I want to find out more about who you are,’ is one way to practice love. Creating bonds grounded in authentic curiosity is one of the foundations of team engagement. Curiosity activates the energy of love in a team.
Curiosity Practices
As team leaders or facilitators, we can introduce intentional practices to get to know each other better and build CQ. For example, we can:
• Ask people to share a poem or bring an object of significance that speaks to who they are as human beings and leaders.
• Ask them to talk about their core learning moments in life.
• Invite them to share something they aspire to in their lives, what they truly value or what has been hard for them.
• Infuse humor and ask: What is the best money you ever spent in your life? What was the first car you ever owned?
The team leader goes first to set the tone.
Many times, just before I am about to share, I feel a slight hesitation. Will this be appropriate to share? Will they fire me right after? Will they think I am weird? I imagine others having similar hesitations about sharing what is true for them.
However, I’ve found that taking the time to share these stories creates bonds that we remember. It builds connectedness, becoming the oxygen and glue for the team going forward. When we share something from inside of us, we can start relating to each other from that deeper level.
In our day-to-day work, we will inevitably disagree or have to work through other challenging team moments. That moment is held in knowing who we each are at a deeper level. We feel seen. We feel cared about. That feels safe. It provides space for us to make mistakes and experiment because we know the other person at a deeper level in our hearts. This heart-based relationship is what counts. Not the minutiae of today. Minutiae come and go. We form deeper human bonds that outlast any specific situation. These bonds form a container in which we can take care of whatever needs to be taken care of today.
How can you get to know a team member more deeply?
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