Remember when the self-help world was full of self-criticism and force?
Thank goodness that’s not a thing anymore.
Now it’s more about compassion and self-acceptance.
It used to be that courses would tell you to push through the pain, ignore any parts of you that can’t cope, push them to the side! Reach for the stars! You’re more than you think so be it now, forget about the rest.
Well, it does actually work for one subset of the human race; people who find it easy to split their psyches and ignore their pain.
Mostly people like that are assholes, intentional or not. Don’t get me wrong, I am that person sometimes, and I’ve certainly been that person way more than not in the past.
That brings me to my point. Building safe containers for emotional expression. Mostly, it’s how much each individual in that space can hold themselves. How deeply they’ve explored their shadows in compassion.
Compassion is important!
It builds equanimity.
If we are to build only awareness in our lives, it can so easily feed into the shadows again. For example, we uncover a side of ourselves that hates how Bob in accounts chews his fingernails, then we think “Oh, God. I am such an asshole”. Cue the shadow loop.
However if we can build awareness alongside loving kindness and compassion, then we will experience a fuller integration of our soul in our bodies.
Criticism always comes from an idea that something didn’t go to plan, and it’s someone’s fault; or it’s a circumstances fault; or it’s our fault.
Compassionate discernment would say, something didn’t go to plan, how can I explore and understand it, so I may respond differently next time.
The sharing of emotional expression cannot simply be forced into being, it is emergent from the conditions of the environment.
The rains fall to nourish the soil, then the plants grow. We don’t stand over the plants and tell them to fucking grow already, so why do we expect human beings to do the same?
Here’s some other aspects that are essential to emotionally safe containers, in which people can open their hearts and start to foster intimacy and connection:
Boundaries
Watch what happens when people aren’t sure of the boundaries of a given situation, they get anxious, scared, aggressive, or they start laughing uncontrollably.
It’s really apparent in children. If children don’t know the limits or boundaries of a situation, they will push to find them. Once they are found, then they relax. You can see it physiologically.
A sigh, a yawn, and a drop of the shoulders and jaw.
When creating any container for expression, there must be disciplined boundaries for what each person feels safe with. Feeling these out can be fun in a group. Constant fluctuations of exploring feelings, moving with purpose towards a shared vision of a safe interactional space.
This often happens as a group is forming, and possibly continues into storming phases, although hopefully not, as storming needs safety to be successful.
It’s important to hold this boundary phase uniquely, before you continue, to make sure everyone is in agreeance.
This doesn’t mean there won’t be power dynamics and fluctuations, or that people shouldn’t be open to picking a leader, or discussing these boundaries later on.
Group dynamics are complex, and they work best when there is discerning consent around what is allowed and what isn’t.
Here’s the uncomfortable part, these boundaries must be held firmly and there must be consequences for those that consistently break them. That will help everyone to feel safe.
Good will, reciprocation and appreciation
Ideally these three would spring naturally from the good intention of the relation.
Bad will is the end of human relationship, most of the time. Unless someone is particularly adept at self-exploration.
Things to watch out for with bad will are:
Harsh Startup
Particularly critical beginnings to conversations can be very shocking
The Four Horsemen
Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Flooding
When bad will is so intense that it completely overwhelms the nervous system.
Negative Body Language
Consistent negative, defensive or aggressive body language can lead to irreparable conflict, because we are constantly scanning our environments subconsciously for safety.
Failed Repair Attempts
Just feel disheartening.
Bad Memories
Can bring back feelings of bad will.
On the flip side, good will, reciprocation and appreciation can encourage a feedback loop of positive regard.
And here’s the amazing part.
It doesn’t matter what the content is of the conversation or discussion, it matters how you face it. What the tone is.
This speaks to the three layers of relation: content, behavioural patterns, relationship.
One person could be exploring how they felt angry when the person sat across from them did something, and still hold them in esteem and respect. It could be done lovingly, with affection and humour.
Equity
Everyone deserves a seat at the table, and not everyone’s histories, cultures, or life experiences are the same.
Power dynamics are inherent to human society, we therefore need to have a perspective lens on equity. The best way I saw equity described visually was in the middle of the Black Lives Matter demonstrations in the USA.
https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/
The translation of this in relationship is that we need to give people the boxes to be able to speak from their authentic perspective. This might look like giving someone more time than your comfortable with, more pauses than you’re used to, or listening to the way that your words have been interpreted through the lens of another person’s culture and history.
It’s all vital information.
Faith in higher power
There’s a unique way that people interact when they have true faith in higher power. They don’t need validation or approval from the other, although they can delight in that.
They are simply having a wonderful and beautiful exploration of another sentient being in the Universe.
Having faith and connection to higher power in a moment grounds you into the moment. Makes you humble and open to sharing, and it also connects you more discerningly around boundaries. There is not so much ‘small self’, getting offended and grasping at status or power.
When the ‘small self’ shows up, they can be held with love and compassion.
Understanding and acceptance of circumstances
Everything is in divine timing. Everything is working as it should. The world is working for you, because the world is you.
Taking one thousand percent responsibility for your life is hard, it’s impossible actually, not just because it’s not a percentage!
Karma is always flowing, circumstances are always changing, the world is always moving, there is always hardship.
If we can hold these aspects gently, and find an easeful path through them, it makes all the difference.
If we can do that in ourselves, and hold it for others, it can build such deep connection and trust.
Understanding and acceptance of what is arising in each person
This part is mostly around ‘difficult feelings’.
Our minds judge what is acceptable or not. Negative, positive, or God forbid, indifferent.
Discernment has been a thread throughout this piece, and it reoccurs now. Discernment is key. We can see these emotions for what they are; symbols, markers, information.
Dismissing negative emotions as bad only represses them into the shadow, where we hope they stay. Unfortunately, when life gets stressful, these emotions get squeezed out of the darkness and into our conscious realities.
If we can understand and accept them consistently, we will become like their guardians, stewards, protectors. Just like being a parent, we can walk alongside these feelings as friends, and honour them when they show up for information, then make a decision from the sage parts of our being.
When someone can do this for themselves, they can be incredibly present with others. They can co-regulate with others and allow them to explore their own relational and emotional landscapes.
We tend to call this healing.
Emergence
There is a remarkable phenomenon that happens when a group of people are tapped in to the connection of the group; emergence.
Emergence is the rising of topics of shared humanity; a shared resonance between multiple people in the group.
It is meant to rise and be explored, it wants to emerge and be transmuted by the strong collective energy of the group. Some energies cannot be explored outside of this environment.
Ritual
What helps people to settle into an environment, and find their authentic expression, is habit. Ritual is a shared habit that is repeated often.
When you can be in relationship to the ritual, you can start to explore how you are feeling in relation to the familiarity, on any particular occasion.
This gives you an anchor point in your exploration.
Integrating thoughts
Feeling safe to emotionally express relies on environment. Both internal and external.
It requires the responsibility and discernment of everyone involved, and it can be the most magic and beautiful experience.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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