It shouldn’t happen.
People shouldn’t manipulate a person or a situation, in order to get what they want. But there’s something worse. A person who will use their own children to achieve their desired outcome.
I shouldn’t have succumbed to it.
Call it manipulation.
Call it control.
Call it a threat.
Whatever you call it, it’s wrong.
I had been separated for 11 months when it happened. One day my then husband, picked up a phone and forced my hand. It’s one of the things I would like to go back and redo.
It had been a struggle to get my husband out of the house.
It was torture.
We needed space from one another but he refused. I had to call in reinforcements to make him agree to distancing ourselves during our marital problems.
I remember exactly what he said.
I remember the day he called me.
I remember where I was sitting. I remember gazing out of our bedroom window. I remember moving the phone away from my ear, as he spoke his manipulative threat.
“Either you let me move back in,” said my husband. “Or I won’t send our son to college.”
We’d visited colleges the year before.
We were still together.
Our oldest son was looking at several out-of-state schools. He asked if it was okay for him to attend one of them. His father had said nothing of money. I said nothing of money. We had plenty of money.
We could pay the tuition out of our annual income.
Even an expensive out-of-state school.
My husband was now saying something entirely different. He was implying that we couldn’t ‘afford’ to send our son to college, unless he moved back into our home.
It would be a tactic he duplicated during our divorce, with our youngest son.
I’m not stupid.
I realized he was lying.
But I didn’t want our son to suffer because I wanted to leave his father.
We were now months away from our oldest leaving for college. It was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. I knew my husband. I always said, “Ralph (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent) doesn’t do anything Ralph doesn’t want to do.”
What did I mean?
I had married a severely controlling man who always got his way.
He passive-aggressively manipulated in order to ensure it.
I didn’t have to wonder if my son would be penalized for my choices.
I knew he would be. I knew my husband would have zero empathy for his own son. I knew he would blame me. He would say it was my fault we couldn’t afford to send our son to school.
My husband didn’t want a divorce.
I knew this.
He knew I’d been okay on my own for a year. I was happier than while we were living together. He knew where this was potentially heading.
I didn’t feel our separation.
I didn’t feel his absence.
I didn’t miss him in my day-to-day.
I think that was my biggest sign. It was the strongest indicator that I was ready to be divorced from the former love of my life. It was proof that I was no longer emotionally attached to him.
He knew it.
He used one of our children to get his desired outcome.
He used one of the three greatest loves of my life.
He knew what I would do. He knew that I would cave. He knew he could manipulate me. He had a long history of getting me to do what he wanted.
That’s on me.
I own it.
But spouses who use their children in this way are horrific.
It’s shocking. It’s selfish. It’s abhorrent. It’s spoiled. It’s immature. It’s manipulative. It’s controlling. It’s a threat. It’s wrong. Yet it happens every day.
It happens even more during a divorce.
I should have been smarter.
I should’ve called the manipulative bully’s bluff while we were still married.
Don’t get me wrong. It shouldn’t have happened during our divorce either. But I remained married because my then husband manipulated me into doing so.
I gave him another year of my life.
A year he didn’t deserve.
But it was only a year. Because I knew what it was like to live without him. I knew what a long separation felt like. I knew I could be happy without him.
I knew I didn’t feel our separation.
I knew I didn’t feel his absence.
I knew I didn’t miss him in my day-to-day.
I knew it was over.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Cássio Jardim on Unsplash