The one item you will never see in a currency exchange table is what money so often stands in for. It can take the place of things like love, thought, safety, attention or fairness. And the inverse is also true; you often don’t need to spend a lot of money to make someone feel loved, or cared for. Ask any parent who has been the recipient of a homemade birthday card or present.
When I speak to divorce lawyers and mediators, they say that money is seldom overtly mentioned as a reason for the breakup. But it’s there, hiding in the tales of neglect, control, secrecy, lack of attention, meanness. And it is money, of course, that is so often used at the end of a separation to settle scores, be it a breakdown in a relationship or after a death, and be it between spouses, siblings, friends or even a child and parent. Often all the perceived injustices of life lived up to that point come out. I could fill a column a week with letters I receive about wills and estates.
Talking of wills: people can leave money to whomever they want in England, Wales and Northern Ireland (this isn’t the case in Scotland and certain European countries, where you cannot disinherit your children), but unless it’s a fair and even split, it’s wise to have the conversation with all those affected while you’re still alive – to give people a chance to know why you’re doing something asymmetrical and a chance to ask questions.
Never use money to control potential posthumous beneficiaries, nor to punish your children for having done well for themselves or for having/not having children themselves. Leaving more to one child – unless everyone absolutely agrees – because they’ve “had it rough”, just punishes the child who worked hard. It may not always seem it, but in a will money really can equal love.
This also applies to family members while everyone is still alive. Buying a flat for a “hard done-by” child is a recipe for trouble later on unless it’s discussed and agreed upon. Even then, people often agree to things they don’t mean and bury the resentment for later.
I’ve had times in my life where I haven’t earned as much as my friends. I’ve sat there trying to budget my meal while others order drink after drink. It can feel shameful but what I learned, probably too late, was to say in advance that I couldn’t go out because I was on a budget or – an idea a wonderful friend introduced me to – to explain that I had a budget of X and couldn’t go over it. This gives your friends a chance to step up and help if they want to, but it also makes it clear why you can’t partake in certain things and that it’s not about them (remember, if you’re not clear, people fill the gap of not knowing with their own neuroses).
There are now apps to help you split things, but nothing beats a conversation. Never mistake generosity for salary: the two are often vastly different things. If you have a generous friend in your life, cherish them and don’t take the piss.
Think of cultural differences too. As the child of immigrants, I find my attitude to money is often very different from that of those born and bred here. And there’s a difference between being private about matters of money and being secretive. If you make your home with someone, take note if they can’t, or won’t, discuss money. Withholding things – information, money – is a way of control. I have found people will talk more readily about sex than money.
While I don’t recommend fully joint accounts between couples (it’s important to have control over parts of your money), I think a joint household account that you both pay into for bills and more is important if you’re not to end up resentful. Beware of moving in with someone (or even going on holiday with them) if their outlook on money is vastly different from yours. Few roads lead faster to resentment.
If you are going to live with someone, platonically or romantically, or do a deal which involves money, always ask yourself: “If it all goes wrong, how do I get out of this?” If you can’t talk about it at that point, you aren’t going to be able to discuss it when it all fractures. Put things in writing; it’s not very sexy but it’s there if everything goes wrong; recollection of events varies. Money is a great facilitator, and what’s nicer than helping people out? But if money is loaned or promised, get a written agreement as to how much and when it will be paid back. And remember, if you’re arguing about money with someone, ask yourself: what is this really about? It’s rarely just about the money.
Annalisa Barbieri talks about all things money in her Psychology of Money podcast