Do you feel like there’s more “distance” between you and your partner these days, or maybe you’ve lost relationships and still can’t figure out why?
While this isn’t an exhaustive list, these dysfunctional behaviors are unnoticeable, common, or “normal”. You don’t think twice about what you’re doing.
1. You communicate vaguely or ambiguously
Have you ever tried to relate to someone who speaking incoherently, vaguely, or ambiguously?
It’s hard to connect with them, isn’t it? Instead of a connection forming, the gap between you and that person is growing.
One of two things will happen:
- You’ll distance yourself from them because it’s not worth the effort.
- There will be more conflict, argument, or disagreement in the interaction.
If you can’t connect, what’s the point of trying to maintain a relationship?
People are often vague with how they describe their feelings (i.e. “I’m upset” rather than saying “I feel angry”).
They sugarcoat their opinions and try to be too nice.
Your partner might express their own problems with setting boundaries by saying: “I feel lost, suffocated, and unhappy.” instead of :“I failed to set proper boundaries in this relationship, and I feel resentful.”
If you are the culprit in all of this, your partner is going to get sick and tired of having to guess what your emotions are. They’d rather spend their energy on building up the relationship, not trying to figure you out when you can’t even be honest with yourself.
Some parts of you will feel resentful for communicating without transparency, and you’ll start to see your partner as the main problem.
2. You blame them for your emotions
Blaming others is the hallmark personality trait of a toxic individual.
Our minds process events more easily through stories. Everyone takes facts about a situation or person and they interpret it through their own biases to create these stories.
But sometimes people become obsessed over the narrative.
When the story contradicts reality and the facts, they tend to blame other people instead, because it’s more comfortable to believe lies or situations that fit your beliefs.
I had an ex who would do this. We visited couples therapy a few times to “deal with our problems”. She had unresolved issues from previous relationships, and too often, I heard how my actions were directly making her react in a certain way.
I don’t know about you, but I am not an “X-Man”, and I do not have the power to control people’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. She did not want to take ownership of her reactions.
It was easier to blame me instead.
When you blame your partner for how you feel, you present them with an impossible task: resolving YOUR issues.
Instead of letting the relationship evolve or grow organically, the two of you will always be stuck focusing on the problem, and not working towards a solution.
I can’t think of anything worse that creates a divide between two people.
3. You tell them not to feel a certain way
The natural, expected reaction from someone who is blamed for another person’s feelings isn’t hard to figure out.
They’re going to feel angry, frustrated, or ashamed. Probably a combination of all three.
The blaming partner will invalidate the other person’s feelings because they see their side as the “ultimate truth”, and to them, there’s no reason they should have that kind of reaction.
Common phrases that indicate invalidation:
- “I don’t understand why you feel that way.”
- “It’s not that bad, you’re overreacting.”
- “What are you? Sad and depressed? We’re on vacation. There’s nothing to worry about.”
When you blame others and you’re engrossed in your own ego and identity, you can justify nearly anything with “this is just the way I am”, and you tell your partner to “get over it”.
It’s no surprise if the conversation escalates into an argument. A relationship filled with nonconstructive argumentation fucks up relationships.
Not only does this destroy love in the moment, but constant judgment, criticism, or invalidation can wreak havoc on their self-esteem and confidence.
Anyone who experiences this long enough won’t need you around to second guess themselves.
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People invalidate, create distance, and wreck relationships all the time. When you stop to examine your past, you may notice that you’ve been communicating poorly by holding yourself back.
Eventually, this will lead to resentment toward your partner if you are not responsible for yourself.
To defend or justify your position, your instinct will be to disregard your partner’s feelings to feel superior to them. From here on out, we should all strive to be more direct, take responsibility, and validate each other’s experiences.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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