Before giving birth to my first child, I heard a piece of advice that stuck with me. Nearly 25 years later, I credit that tip for helping me raise two well-adjusted sons who are good people and contributing members of society.
That guidance was simply this: Make sure your child sees your face light up whenever they enter a room.
Having grown up with an emotionally absent mother, I’d been desperate to discover ways to parent differently than she had. My mom had been too preoccupied to realize when I was there in the same room with her, let alone to smile with delight when I crossed the threshold.
So I thought: What the hell! I chose to implement that guidance as it seemed easy enough. Besides, doing the opposite of what my mom had done seemed like a good starting point.
It Was More Powerful Than All the Praise in the World
Much to my surprise, that simple pointer proved to be far more impactful than if I had sung my children’s praises to the high heavens each and every day.
As it’s often been said, talk is cheap and youngsters know when their parents are laying it on too thick. Our over-the-top accolades can make them lose faith in our ability to assess them and provide feedback. After all, nobody — not even our kids — likes to have smoke blown up their ass!
I didn’t promote faux self-esteem in my boys by constantly telling them how amazing, awesome, and brilliant they were like so many parents do today. Instead, I gave them unconditional love and acceptance, letting them know how they brought me joy just by existing.
That Superb Advice Came From Author Toni Morrison
When her kids were young, Ms. Morrison explained that she had fallen into the habit of finding fault with them. As soon as they entered a room, she’d give them orders such as: stand up straight, buckle your trousers, pull up your socks, and comb your hair.
This was a parent’s duty, she reasoned at the time, thinking her kids were surely interpreting her directives as a sign of her love and devotion. Yet, as they grew older, Ms. Morrison began to doubt that so she decided to change course.
She no longer wanted her youngsters to see judgment written all over her face. Instead, she wanted them to scan her expression and see warmth, love, pride, and acceptance. She wanted them to catch sight of a beaming mother who was thrilled to be in their presence.
In her conversation with Oprah, Ms. Morrison counseled parents to “let your face speak what’s in your heart.”
Today, I can say taking her advice was the best thing I ever did when it came to parenting. Even when I was thoroughly exhausted at the end of a long day and couldn’t utter a comprehensive sentence, I’d just smile at my sons and let them know how much they meant to me.
I Had Been Moving Through Life Like a Zombie
“When a parent turns to their youngster for comfort and counsel, burdening them with their adult problems, that’s a form of child abuse. You have every right to be angry about it.”
Although a therapist told me this over two decades ago, I can still recall every detail of that moment. Time froze when she uttered those consequential words and even now I remember how her office furniture was arranged, how her tawny hair was styled in a chignon, and how she spoke emphatically as she tried to hammer that concept into me.
She accomplished her goal, resulting in me having an aha moment that ended years of suffering.
I had made an appointment with her at my husband’s insistence. I had been profoundly depressed since giving birth to our second son and getting an autism diagnosis for our older boy.
This hadn’t been my first time seeing a therapist, though. It was, however, the first time I had seen someone who knew enough and cared enough to dig down deep enough to unearth the root of my despair.
A previous therapist had simply referred me to a doctor who hastily scribbled a prescription for antidepressants. Those potent little pills had flattened all my emotions — not just my sadness but my joy, excitement, euphoria, lightness, and wonder. They had turned me into a zombie who moved through life feeling nothing at all.
I Cultivated Their Inner World
My therapist explained how I had been parentified as a child. My mother and I had reversed roles with me becoming her counselor, confidant, and cheerleader and she becoming my needy and naive ward.
She explained that I was depressed as an adult because I had missed out on being a carefree kid. While growing up, my inner world hadn’t been cultivated so now I was like a garden full of weeds with no blooms.
My therapist threw me for a loop, explaining how taking antidepressants hadn’t been the correct course of treatment for me but merely an expedient one. She informed me I needed to do the exact opposite: to feel all my emotions instead of numbing them.
She encouraged me to adopt the mantra: You can’t heal what you don’t let yourself feel.
She convinced me it was finally time to embrace and explore the inner world I had long forsaken. Because of her advice, I moved forward with a newfound determination to nurture my emotions as well as my children’s.
I vowed to be like Toni Morrison — keenly aware of my children’s need for unconditional love and acceptance. After all, that’s what we all wanted from our parents while growing up but, sadly, not all of us got it.
Thanks to this advice from an acclaimed author coupled with the insight of a caring therapist, I put fostering the emotional lives of my sons at the tip-top of my parenting to-do list . Today, I’m convinced it made all the difference.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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