In a serious, long-term relationship, there can’t be anything more frustrating and disheartening than to feel lonely.
Forging a bond with someone takes a lot of time, money, and energy. When the result of your sacrifice is loneliness, I can’t blame people for calling it quits on a relationship.
But you don’t have to end a relationship immediately if it’s not working. In an unhealthy relationship, both partners often have growing to do.
Before you decide to leave, you may want to try these 6 things:
1. Filter out incompatible people
Sometimes people “wing it”, and they’re not intentional about what they want.
Settling often comes from a fear of being alone. But, this fear only keeps a frustrating cycle of loneliness going.
There’s nothing worse than getting into a relationship. Then, you find out months or years later that the relationship wasn’t meant to work. You settled for someone who did not share your values.
It’s hard to plan when you don’t know if you share the same values. These may include children, religion, marriage, and careers.
You know for sure you don’t want kids. But, you give in to your new partner who wants to have children (or even has kids of their own). What do you think might happen?
I don’t mean to say that relationships don’t need compromise. But, if it’s not a win-win for both, no one is winning.
Find the people you are compatible with, and start from there.
That’s all you can do. It might take time, but it’s better to put in the work up front than going back to fix things later on.
2. Make decisions together
New relationships are fun and exciting. But, the novelty of “getting to know” someone early on in dating will fade.
When the romantic feelings are fresh and alive, it’s far easier to be grateful. This is when everything “feels good”.
Over time, gratitude takes more work. Or rather, you think so. You expect your partner to stay and believe you are entitled to their love, no matter what happens.
At its core, gratitude in a relationship comes from making conscious decisions. They are made wholeheartedly as a team.
The real challenge comes from making decisions each day. It comes from consistently showing love.
In 2018, I met a random stranger who, over several weeks, persuaded me to join him in a “network marketing” gig. It was for Amway. To learn more about my story on this, read below:
In the weeks before joining this money-wasting venture, I ignored my girlfriend’s questions and concerns. I was too stubborn to admit she had reasonable doubts about its legitimacy. I naively believed I had everything under control.
Regardless, deep down I was reluctant to join. I chose to do it anyway without her approval.
Within 14 months I quit, but I lost my dignity and her respect. Weakening our bond. From this, I could never mistreat someone again.
3. Take ownership
How do you do that?
“Going first” should be one of your biggest priorities.
Stop waiting for your partner to change or to take action for what needs to change in the relationship.
These are what you have sole responsibility for:
- Values
- Thoughts
- Desires
- Feelings (No one else is “making” you feel a certain way)
- Attitudes
- Behaviors
I’ve been in relationships where no one took responsibility for maintaining it.
Which of course, led to the failure of these relationships. In the past, I tended to be a people-pleaser to others. Sometimes I didn’t feel very confident, and out of fear, I would avoid speaking the truth about my limits.
Things would only become more tense as I continued to avoid confrontation. Do you think I was taking ownership of myself? Hell no.
Most of the time, neither were my girlfriends.
It was like two relationships were happening at once. The real problem was the fake niceness we showed each other. But, it was a time bomb waiting to go off.
In short, someone has to lead.
If no one is taking charge, where is it headed?
How can a relationship grow deeper when both people focus on comfort over the relationship’s duties?
4. Consistently validate your partner’s feelings
There’s nothing worse than feeling like your partner doesn’t have your back.
The core principle of a relationship is to feel completely safe and comfortable with your partner.
It’s a “safe space”. But feeling safe, valued, and connected is hard when your partner criticizes, dismisses, or disregards your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
This term is emotional invalidation. Invalidation can look like certain comments or behaviors. They leave you questioning your worth.
- “I don’t have time to worry about how you’re feeling.”
- “You shouldn’t feel sad.”
- “Well that’s terrible, but this is how MY day went! Can you believe what my boss said to me?”
Most people are bad at communicating. Invalidation can and does happen on purpose. But, it’s more often accidental. Most people don’t know what validation looks like or how important it is to the success of a relationship.
Emotional validation is the practice of helping your partner. It is to help them feel understood, safe and accepted.
But it takes practice. Being skilled in listening and empathy is necessary.
At the same time, you must humble yourself. You might not mean to hurt the person you care about, but your unconscious behaviors hurt them.
5. Say “No” More often
Boundaries. You must have boundaries! Trying to please people ruins relationships. It creates more distance between you and your partner.
When my “Yes” was a “No”, all this did was spoil our time together. To avoid rejection, people will agree to things they don’t want to do.
The ability to say “no” is powerful in a relationship. If you’re always saying yes, you’re getting sucked into the other person’s frame and this weakens the connection.
Some couples go to the extreme and say “no” to everything. They think all self-sacrifice is bad. Compromise is about giving up some things. It is for the greater good of the relationship.
This is crucial for connection.
Too much compromise becomes codependency. Too little compromise turns into an emotionally vapid “free-for-all”.
But, a relationship will fail if it lacks boundaries. This happens when you don’t compromise and agree to a win-win.
The longer you wait to declare and reinforce boundaries, the harder it will be for you to voice “I’m not okay with this.”
6. Do more than spend “time together”
For some people, a long-distance relationship might work. But, I have been in several where they were only long-distance, or partly so. I never felt more lonely.
When I pursued women this way, I became disillusioned with relationships.
Sure, in some of these relationships, we would spend time together, but it wasn’t enough to fulfill my needs, at least. Sometimes it would be a weekend together, a couple of days, or even a few hours of “time together”.
When only a small part of the relationship is in-person, how can you say your needs are getting met? What are the real benefits? Status? Validation from peers? Not being “alone”?
I’ve known of couples that have lived together and slept in the same bed. They were not transparent with each other, and infidelity was present. They avoided sexual and physical intimacy. They were like “glorified” roommates.
It was insane, they couldn’t understand why they felt lonely. They spent “time together” right?
Quality time is “time together”, but “time together” isn’t always quality time.
In a relationship, you must be having sex and being intimate, and without emotional intimacy, physical intimacy will begin to wane. Quality time includes emotional and physical connection.
It is the framework for the relationship, but quality time is not the solution to loneliness. Going on a date or having an important discussion isn’t enough to qualify for quality time.
When there are serious, underlying problems involved, you’ll need to first work on resolving the initial problems for quality time to feel less forced or shallow.
…
Filtering out incompatible partners is one of your best defenses against relationship loneliness. Do the hard work now to find what you want and value.
Know your goals. Then, when you meet people, you won’t waste time with bad relationships.
But, one of the hardest parts is being open with your current partner.
You have to compromise for what’s best for the relationship. As always, you must make big decisions with your partner. Every time you involve them, you’re building trust and closeness.
Be the person who takes action. Someone who “goes first” in the relationship is a sign of a strong leader. The only person you can change is you.
While there isn’t a guarantee, if your partner sees you taking ownership, they may feel motivated to grow too. With this in mind, it will take work.
But, you can turn a shallow, disconnected relationship into a vibrant, loving one.
…
Interested in more content like this? Subscribe to my Substack and unlock weekly exclusive insights that inspire, challenge, and transform. Let’s grow together. Sign up now!
…
If you liked this article, follow me here on Medium.
I post new articles 2 to 3 times per week.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Jason Briscoe on Unsplash