For reasons that remain mysterious, Tom Brady voluntarily signed up to be roasted during a two and a half hour live Netflix special on Sunday night, and naturally everyone took shots at (1) his divorce from Gisele Bündchen and (2) her new relationship with jiujitsu instructor Joaquim Valente.
Gonna just...go through the jokes (via Us Weekly), I guess!
Kevin Hart: “Tom, you fucked your coach, but let me tell you something, people…that’s what you’ve got to do to maintain your happiness. You sometimes got to fuck your coach. You know who else fucked their coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man.”
Kevin Hart some more: “I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day.…Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. Fuck Tom. The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everybody should have known it.”
Jeff Ross: “[Tom has] so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiujitsu teacher.”
Randy Moss: “Your ex wife’s new boyfriend can beat your ass while eating hers.”
Truly some...choices!
Anyway, Gisele and Joaquim have been dating since June 2023 (so, well after her split from Tom), which is when a source told People, “They’re taking it slow. They started out as great friends. She is very private about this and wanted to keep it quiet while they got to know each other.” Oh, and another insider at the time added, “They come from similar backgrounds. They both left Brazil very young. Gisele’s in a great space. Joaquim is perfect for her.”
