I’ve been seeing a wonderful woman for three months, and I was about to ask her to become my girlfriend. I’m crazy about her! But recently, she’s been talking about how she wants to get married before she’s 30. (She’s 27, I’m 32.) “I’m on the marriage track,” she said. That gave me pause.
I’m open to marriage, but I’m not sure I will be ready to get married that soon.
I have two questions. If you become an official couple, are you basically promising a woman that you’ll get engaged? And how do I even know I should get into a relationship?
—Steven, 32, Indianapolis
When you enter into an exclusive romantic relationship, you make several implicit promises, among them: be honest, be faithful, be supportive, and be kind. But you’re not promising her an engagement ring.
I think the bigger questions are how to know that you’re ready for a relationship, and how to know that the two of you are a good romantic fit for the long haul.
To help, I came up with this framework. When you’re considering entering into a relationship, your romantic situation will fall into one of four categories. Here they are, from worst (don’t do it!) to first (dive in!).
WRONG PERSON, WRONG TIME
This is when a given woman is not a good fit for you, and you don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. But perhaps you feel limited in your dating options, and you don’t want to be lonely, so you relent. This is the ultimate in settling.
In my late 20s, I settled for the wrong woman at the wrong time, and our marriage was canceled faster than “How I Met Your Father.”
WRONG PERSON, RIGHT TIME
You’re ready to commit to someone, but you have a scarcity of choices, so you take for what you can get. This, I believe, is a majority of men.
RIGHT PERSON, WRONG TIME
You weren’t looking for long-term romance, but how could you not make this incredible woman a part of your life? (As Toto sang, “Love isn’t always on time.”) Many great relationships have begun this way, including my current one.
RIGHT PERSON, RIGHT TIME
Brains, beauty, kindness—she’s the whole package. She turns you into a human heart–eyed emoji. And you were already ready to dive in with the right woman. This is the ideal! (To paraphrase another eighties power ballad, “You’ve been waiting for a girl like her…”)
Steven, you seem to be in one of the top two categories, so this bodes well for you and your (possible) new partner.
Next, ask yourself three important questions before pursuing a relationship.
1: DO WE “JUST FIT”?
Do your souls dovetail? Do you deeply connect? Listen to your gut and heart.
2: DOES OUR “BIG LIFE STUFF” ALIGN?
Are you fairly compatible in areas such as your core values, wanting a family, religious views, political beliefs, and, yes, getting married in the coming few years?
Granted, you may only want a girlfriend right now, not a wife. But I believe a relationship should have long-term potential. To make things work down the road, most of your Big Life Stuff should align.
3: WILL WE GROW TOGETHER?
Can you see the two of you growing together, complementing one another? If a relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying.
If you answered a firm “no” to any of these three questions, you may want to reconsider whether or not you should become a couple.
If you answered “Hell yes!” to all of the above, it’s a green light. Pop the relationship question.
(In a future column, I’ll write about how to have a deep, fulfilling relationship. Getting dates and attracting a girlfriend is one thing. Building a wonderful, lasting romantic partnership takes an entirely different set of tools.)
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THE UGLY TRUTH
Connell, I’ll be blunt: I’m not a good-looking guy. My forehead is too big, and I have no chin. I’ve never had a serious girlfriend, even though I have a very good career, and I do well financially. Suffice it to say, my dating confidence is down in the dumps. Can a guy be too physically unattractive to find a relationship?
—Gary, 39, Dallas
Depends, Gary. Just how unattractive are we talking? Do you make onions cry? Does Bigfoot take pictures of you? When you throw a boomerang, does it refuse to come back?
I joke! And that’s the point: I had to develop my sense of humor and my self-esteem, because I’m not Hollywood handsome either. I look like the love child of Ron Weasley and the Heat Miser. So I accentuate what I offer. You can do the same.
In dating, good looks are like Jacuzzis: nice to have but way overrated. Single women are very forgiving of not-handsome men, as long as a guy has self-confidence and some personality.
Chances are, your insecurity surrounding your looks has hurt your dating life more than your appearance has. How? By lowering your confidence. Women can smell low confidence on a man like too much Drakkar Noir.
Here are some things you can do to be more attractive to women, even if you look more like Brad Garrett than Brad Pitt.
HONE A 6-PACK SENSE OF HUMOR
Everyone loves to laugh, so work on your humor. Take an improv class. Study your favorite stand-up comics. Practice telling some fun, funny personal stories from your life. Learn the art of using humor in conversations. You may not have 6-pack abs, but you can sculpt a 6-pack sense of humor, which many women will find irresistible.
BECOME AN ACTIVE LISTENER
Like most people, women love to be heard. During a conversation, repeat back the last few words a woman said to you. This shows her that you’re listening, and it pulls you out of your head and into the moment. Give her the present of your presence.
GET GREAT STYLE
Looks don’t matter to women as much as you think, but your LOOK matters. Consider: In a Men’s Health survey, 78 percent of women said that dressing well is the hottest thing a man can do, and 85 percent said that a sharp-dressed man is sexier than a guy with lots of money.
To that point, here are 5 style rules to follow, to boost both your confidence and your attractiveness:
1: Wear clothes that fit great. Your shirts, pants, and jackets should be tailored for your body, or appear to be. The biggest style mistake men make? Baggy, ill-fitting clothes. Your threads shouldn’t be too tight, nor should they billow. Think somewhat snug.
2: Own at least one pair of quality, dark denim jeans (blue or black).
3: As for shirts, favor button-downs, polos, and quality tees.
4: Have at least one pair of fun, stylish sneakers (NOT gym shoes), such as Stan Smiths, Vans or Pumas. As for dress shoes, consider a classic loafer, brogue, or lace-up Oxford (brown or black.)
5: Get your hair styled at a chic salon, not Chuck’s Chop Shop. Oh, and smell absolutely amazing by wearing a spritz of quality cologne.
You can’t control your looks, but you can dramatically influence your “look.”
A final thought about style: PLEASE, no pleated khakis! Be a hot guy, not a Helpful Honda Guy.
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ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
I am so done with dating apps. I would like to meet my next partner in the real world, but I don’t want to approach women in places where it’s weird to do so. Where should I go to meet women? Where should I not go?
—Doug, 23, New York City
Stick to classy, conversation-friendly lounges at night, and lively cafes in the daytime. And avoid nunneries altogether. Those gals are spoken for.
Got a dating question for Connell? Email it to [email protected]
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men, the founder of DatingTransformation.com, and host of the Dating Transformation Podcast.
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photo: iStock