Jokes about massages, OJ and Gisele divorce fly in Tom Brady comedy roast

Tom Brady took his share of barbs from comedians, former teammates and his longtime coach on Sunday night during a comedy roast on Netflix.

“It’s like a football game. You run with a game plan, and then you get to see kind of how the strategy goes, and then you adjust on the fly,” Brady said before the three-hour event. “This is what a locker room has been like for me for all these years. So it’s not like I’m used to people not making fun of me.”

An impressive lineup of comedians, former teammates and opponents took the stage. Host Kevin Hart said before the event that no topic was off limits, and Hart went on the offensive early with jokes about Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele Bündchen.

“Gisele gave you an ultimatum. She said you retire or we’re done. When you got a chance to go 8-9 and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do,” Hart said, referring to Brady coming out of a brief retirement in 2022 for one more season.

The only time Brady objected to a joke was when Jeff Ross made a reference to Patriots owner Robert Kraft and massages. In 2019, Kraft originally received a misdemeanor charge that he paid for sex at a Florida massage parlor. Prosecutors later dropped the charge after courts blocked the use of video from cameras installed by police inside the massage parlors.

In the sketch, Ross joked about Kraft offering Brady a massage when he first joined the Patriots. On Sunday, Brady walked up to Ross and said in his ear “don’t say that shit again”, but it was clearly caught on the microphone and heard by those watching the roast at home. It was not heard by those in attendance.

Later, Kraft and former Patriots coach Bill Belichick did a shot together on stage after some coaxing from Hart.

Belichick was fired in January after 24 seasons with the Patriots, and a lot has been written about friction between the six-time winning Super Bowl coach and owner over the past couple years.

After joking about this being like a reunion and “unlike many family reunions there are some people I am desperately trying to avoid”, Kraft praised Belichick for what the two accomplished.

“I want to say this is the greatest coach in the history of the game that did what no one else has done. And having Tom Brady and him was the greatest honor the good Lord gave me,” Kraft said.

Rob Gronkowski got Belichick and Brady to do a shot together after his monologue. Gronkowski celebrated by spiking his glass.

Belichick appeared at the beginning of the roast during a pre-taped segment when he told Brady that he was “starting the roast” instead of Drew Bledsoe. Brady replaced Bledsoe in 2001 when Bledsoe was injured against the Jets and led the Patriots to their first Super Bowl title that season.

“For all of you out there who think about who’s responsible for the Patriots success during the time Tom and I was together – was it Tom or me – in reality the truth of the matter was it was both of us because of me,” Belichick said.

Belichick also took a jab at Gronkowski. “A lot people connect me with the saying ‘Do Your Job’ and some people do their job. Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please, stop doing your job,” Belichick said.

Brady did have some fun at Belichick’s expense though near the end of the show.
“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious, how many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left?,” Brady said. “Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver, ‘Hey, you gassed up your car?’”

Bledsoe was given his own line to jab at his successor, with another reference to Brady’s divorce.

“Look, buddy, you have more rings than I do,” Bledsoe said. “But I’ve experienced a couple of things that you will never experience: The feeling of being the No 1 overall draft pick in the NFL and a 28th wedding anniversary. It was yesterday.”

Brady countered with a joke that touched one of the most painful moments in US history.

“Like the rest of America, I will always remember where I was that fateful day in September 2001 when, tragically, those two Jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe,” Brady said.

Brady came in well prepared, going over his monologue with a group of people, including those at Fox Sports, where he will take up a role as a pundit. He referenced OJ Simpson, who died last month, as he took aim at his long-time rival Peyton Manning, who ended his career with the Denver Broncos.

“When I heard there was a slow, white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend,” Brady said.

Hart said he thought Brady had performed well.

“You have to be able to laugh at yourself and I love that he is doing in this forum,” Hart said. “I love that he is embracing the things that some people think he runs away from. It is a celebration of greatness and we are doing it in a fun way.”

Bledsoe also said that Brady has had a sense of humor, but that this was a different stage.

“I thought he was very brave. There’s plenty of material to make fun of him on,” Bledsoe said. “The truth is when you’re a professional athlete, roasting each other is kind of what we do every day in the locker room. And so, you better have thick skin going in. Now, people get to laugh along with it.”