It’s the season for bridging gaps in understanding between us and our children’s teachers.
A few times each year we have formal and structured conversations with teachers. These opportunities are usually not enough, but they are precious. Sometimes communication can break down, threatening cooperation.
Here are four difficult situations we have encountered with teachers and how we handled them.
Communicating with teachers requires, above all, empathy. Our goal whenever we conference with teachers is to optimize our kids’ learning experiences. so aggressive or blaming communication practices are rarely productive.
Difficult Situation 1: The teacher doesn’t listen.
Engagement requires listening and explaining from both sides. During one conference, it was nearly impossible to get a word in. It felt like the teacher didn’t want to hear any concerns from us. Or maybe she was eager to share as much as she could. Whatever the reason, it was frustrating that it was so one-sided.
When natural openings didn’t materialize, we made it clear that we had some things to share and asked for a follow-up meeting to be scheduled over email.
In these situations, email often works better by allowing us the chance to elaborate on our concerns. It also gives the teacher time to reply thoughtfully and provides a model of well-structured collaboration.
Difficult Situation 2: The teacher brings up irrelevant past actions.
Conferencing is about problem-solving and forward-looking action. Part of problem-solving is diagnosis. This can get complicated because parents can sometimes be blind to their children’s shortcomings. Conversely, teachers can see your child as emblematic of a larger and forget that she is unique.
In one of our conferences, we worked with the teacher to identify where our child was coming up short on assignments. Discussing a recent misstep slid into describing patterns of behavior, which reminded the teacher of misdeeds from past semesters.
Perhaps the teacher felt like she needed to make a case to justify her position. But our position wasn’t to defend him against accusations. It was to identify a problem that we could help solve. When we have limited time it’s important for us to remain forward-focused.
We acknowledged that our child has made mistakes in the past and thanked the teacher for noticing patterns. We also reminded her that he is in a learning cycle and showed evidence of learning from those mistakes. In the end, we stayed focused on the next thing that our son could do to show improvement and asked the teacher what would constitute evidence of success in that area.
Difficult Situation 3: The teacher overestimates how clear they are with instructions to students.
Sometimes teachers don’t appreciate how confusing school can be to students. Even for (or maybe especially for) teenagers — juggling six or seven demanding classes, all with very different requirements, expectations, and cadences — just keeping track of the basics can be a chore.
“Was he aware that he could redo the quiz?” I asked.
“Oh, I brought it up lots of times in class and even sent an email.”
“I know,” I replied. “But I think he may have not understood.”
This was an exchange in one conference in which a low grade on a quiz was brought up by the teacher. She had told us she didn’t understand why he hadn’t resubmitted it.
We spoke with our son about this quiz later and judging by his explanation, he did not understand his options.
This situation is more complex than the first two because it might be rooted in philosophy, pedagogy, or personality. We are not going to move a teacher much in any of those areas.
We handled it by asking clarifying questions in an effort to nudge the teacher toward considering that she might not always be as clear as she assumes. I have suggestions for making sure students understand assignments. I am constantly working on improving my own practice in that area.
Difficult Situation 4: The teacher doesn’t distinguish behavior from academic performance.
Sometimes teachers will impose penalties on academics for behavioral infractions.
This is usually not by design but results from an oversight of intention.
For example, in one conference we learned that our daughter got a zero on a test because she was talking to another student. Details are fuzzy, but our girl (a second-grader!) and a classmate had a side conversation. She is not the kind to cheat, nor did her teacher accuse her of cheating. But talking during a test violated the code of conduct and so her test got ripped up in dramatic fashion.
We explained that our daughter understood the importance of the rule, but to have her academic grade reduced because of the behavioral lapse was a situation where the punishment did not match the misdeed.
This situation stems from poor teacher training. We went to the school administration and asked them to be aware. All teachers deserve the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, even as we expect our kids to be afforded those opportunities.
The Good Stuff
The large majority of our parent-teacher conferences have been positive. We love the time we get to understand what our kids’ teachers are doing for them. We appreciate the time, energy, love, and talents that teachers share with our children.
As a former teacher myself I appreciate how thankless it can feel at times.
Moreover, parent-teacher conferences can be difficult for teachers, as well.
Learning how to respond in these four scenarios has made them less stressful for everyone, and more productive for our children.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash