In an era where parents post game-winning goals and shots to celebrate wins and posting college acceptance reaction videos on TikTok is the norm, it may seem like this world has evolved into a black-and-white framework that presents you with two outcomes in life: either you win or you lose––and in order to win, you have to go to a “good” college. This could not be further from the truth.
Yes, there are clear outcomes in which there is a winner: in sports games, a person or team is almost always crowned the winner. The opposing side is therefore the loser. Yes, with college admissions, some are awarded a coveted spot at a selective university and many more are not. Some may be hired for their dream job and there may be a pile of thousands of other applicants that came up just short. But beyond this narrow set of examples, there are no true, realized losses for any of us to endure. Each “close but no cigar moment” is a chance for a person––young, old, somewhere in between, to learn, grow, and prepare for the next chance to achieve their goals.
All of us need to adopt a growth mindset that is free of fear of the “other F-word”: failure. In life, every experience is a chance to grow and learn. Even if we are not successful, we can understand how to improve or modify our approach to reach a more favorable outcome in the future.
While we can feel the weight of the world on our shoulders during a penalty kick to try to win a soccer game or when we open the first page of an ACT test booklet on exam day, if the shot is errant or our mind goes blank on the first question, the only question we need to ask ourselves is: “what can I do differently the next time?” Because there will always be a next time when we can improve just a little bit to reach our goals.
When I meet students for the first time, I tell them, “To be successful in this process just requires you to give it your best shot.” I never say to any student that they “need to be the best” to reach their goals. The college admissions process, and life in general, is a growth process, and it measures and rewards applicants who commit themselves to grow as much as they can. Every advanced class, extracurricular activity, and new experience is a chance for students to learn new concepts, develop new skills, and find their path in life. Even if they come up short with the short-term goal of getting into a particular college, or earning an award, they are still moving closer to making the most of their lives.
With this mindset, there is no way any of us can fail in life. As long as we pick ourselves up along the way, we will come closer to succeeding in the long term with what we are meant to do. One of the best examples of this I can provide is from a student I grew rather close to working with over the years: Chris. I met Chris at the tail end of his sophomore year of high school. Chris took the most challenging classes at his high school and initially did so because he thought it would help him get into a more selective college. Chris did not earn straight As in these classes and was pretty devastated when I met him and explained how that would pan out in the college admissions process. I thought I may have scared him off after discussing this with him, but he came back and informed me that he appreciated that he was being pushed to learn more and write more effectively in his advanced history and English classes.
Chris also tried his hardest outside the classroom. He worked hard to make his school’s cross-country team but was typically found at the back of the pack in races. And he was passed over despite his efforts to be the editor of his school’s newspaper.
Battle-tested and scarred, Chris kept at it. With every B on his transcript and every lackluster race, Chris grew more comfortable in his own skin and the fact that he would have to try hard in life and not always initially succeed with his efforts. But he kept at it. He developed the confidence to put himself out there which allowed him to shoot his best shot and apply for a summer research internship at the University of California, San Diego, which he participated in.
Even though Chris wasn’t admitted to his top choice university, he earned a scholarship to attend Tulane where he has now become an Assistant Editor at the college newspaper and is excelling at opportunities that he came up short with in high school. Had Chris not tried and failed in high school at his many ambitious goals, he would likely not have been prepared to make the most of his college experience. If anything, Chris didn’t fail even in high school. Instead, he gained the skills and perspective he needed for a larger stage that was a better fit for him. It is hard to tune out the negativity and the “Keeping up with the Joneses” mentality that social media is built on. Each one of us will be happier and more productive if we run our own race and worry less about what others are doing. With each stumble, there is no need to compare ourselves to those who reached our goals before us. We will get there if we allow ourselves the time and kindness that we need to ultimately reach our goals.
Reject the artificial and false choice that everything in life is a competition. We will thrive at what we are supposed to thrive at on our own schedule if we invest the time and energy in ourselves and our goals. Yes, along the way, someone else may make a varsity sports team that we don’t make. Yes, someone else may win the student council race and we may not succeed. Yes, someone else may be admitted to our dream school while we are rejected, but that is OK because none of those steps are critical to us ultimately becoming the people we are meant to become. We are going to fail in life, but as long as we keep at it, we will have more successes than failures overall, because our failures will inform our successes. The goal in life is not to be perfect; it’s to learn and grow.
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Excerpt from the new book “The Journey: How to Prepare Kids for a Competitive and Changing World” by Greg Kaplan published by HCI Books ©2024.
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