In addition to the whirlwind of emotions you experience during a relationship, you start feeling jealous. You ask yourself why you are feeling jealous, but you can’t figure it out.
Sometimes, your jealousy turns into curiosity, and you start searching for signs to confirm your bias. Other times, you’re suspicious, and you can’t help but look through your partner’s things or try to recall what they had told you. You may also feel possessive, and want your partner all to yourself.
You start feeling crazy — and out of control.
But when the strong feelings subside, you question yourself why you felt that way — and may even experience guilt.
To a certain extent, I’ve entertained the idea of, and have even done some of these things before. I know how jealousy can drive us to extremes and leave us feeling less confident than before. No matter the status of your relationship or how long you have been dating, jealousy can manifest in different ways.
It’s normal to feel jealous in your romantic relationships. But when does it start becoming unhealthy and unproductive? When does it harm your relationship and well-being?
Here are 5 lessons I’ve learned through my romantic relationships.
Your partner has something you don’t have
Have you ever felt jealous when your partner got a job promotion and you didn’t? Or when you’re at home with no plans while your partner is having a fun night out with their friends? Or when your partner gets to travel for work when you need to stay home and watch the kids instead? But shouldn’t you be happy for your partner instead of secretly wishing it was you instead of them?
It’s okay to feel jealous and annoyed when these feelings arise. A normal dosage of jealousy means you’re a human being with needs, wants, and feelings.
What’s not okay is to wallow in these feelings and turn them against your loved ones. You are responsible for your feelings; just because you feel triggered doesn’t mean you get to project them onto your partner.
Instead, find outlets to vent your frustrations. If you don’t want to tell your partner directly, then turn to a trusted friend, family, or therapist. Over time, redirect the jealousy to action so you can reach your goals the next time.
Feeling Jealous versus Acting Jealous
There’s a difference between the two. When you feel jealous, you treat this as an emotion that will pass. But when you start acting jealous, then there will be implications for your behavior and actions.
Acting jealous in a relationship can feel like control. It can also sound like “I’m scared to lose you” or “I don’t want you to meet or talk with anyone else aside from me because you’re so special to me.” Other forms of jealousy can sound like blame, possessiveness, needing constant reassurance, and monitoring communication.
Set boundaries with your partner
You don’t need to share everything with your partner, especially at the beginning of the relationship. Further, you may not want to hear about everything either.
When I was still dating, I made sure to have a clear boundary of not discussing past relationships because I wanted to focus on getting to know them — who they are now instead of the past versions of who they were. Further, I knew feelings of attachment, judgment, and a bit of jealousy would arise once they shared their past with me. After I got to know them a bit better, we would discuss past relationships.
Once I was in a relationship, I checked in with my partner to see what oversharing looked like so that we could prioritize our partnership. We both agreed that certain things are better kept between us two rather than shared with our respective families and friends.
It’s important to establish boundaries at every stage of your romantic relationship. Boundaries may build and maintain trust, connection, and deepened intimacy. Sometimes, changes in your life may prompt you to revisit these boundaries, but remember to keep adjusting and checking in to make sure there is a mutual understanding and agreement.
Establish a communication system that works for both of you
In my current partnership, my partner makes me feel very secure because we have a healthy communication style that works. In turn, this helps strengthen and deepen our intimacy, trust, and connection.
On the other hand, lacking a communication system that works can lead to unnecessary worrying, mistrust, and negativity in the relationship. Usually, these feelings arise when a need hasn’t been met.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for reassurance! This may look different for everyone, but sometimes, it may mean more in-person meetups rather than texting. It may also look like scheduling weekly catch-up calls.
Learn to trust your partner
You and your partner are two individuals choosing to be together despite your different experiences, viewpoints, and the baggage you carry with you. It’s going to take time, work, and compassion to understand one another. Instead of trying to control your partner, learn to let go and trust them.
Trust that your partner has your back.
Trust that your partner loves and cares about you.
Trust that your partner is trying their best.
Trust them and let their actions show you over time.
Like all emotions, jealousy is a common feeling that we feel now and then. It’s okay to experience normal dosages of jealousy. But don’t let jealousy consume you and drive you to act against your values and core beliefs. Choose to love over fear. Choose to trust and build connections over time.
If you enjoyed this article, I hope you consider leaving a comment or supporting me with a cup of coffee here: https://ko-fi.com/tammywrites. Thank you for your generosity! Much love, Tammy
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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