Ghen and Joman are like the best flowers in a garden.
They had been dating for almost three years. And if you put them together, finding any flaw in their relationship would be hard. Their Instagram photos were an example of their relationship and how they were enjoying their lives. They also encouraged each other in their careers and professions.
However, underneath the joke and hashtag, she disclosed a nervous and embarrassing truth about her finances.
It was the start of January 2024, and they wanted to start a new life together. It was Tuesday evening in January when they planned to discuss the future. At that time, the weight of her secret became too much to bear for her. She told him that she had been hiding her significant debt while they were making plans.
He was shocked at that time, not because of the debt, but because she hid this thing from him.
He was like, “We made a promise not to hide things from each other; why did you do that?” “You broke my trust.”
You know both the act of hiding and the ongoing worry that comes from keeping secrets have a huge impact on the person who does it. For example, “constant fear of getting caught”
And psychology research says that the effort needed to keep a secret is like having a heavyweight.
Dr. Michael Slepian and his colleagues conducted one study. In this research, they found that “keeping a secret, especially a big one, makes us feel like we have a heavy load on our back (just like physical weight). It wears you out so much that other things seem harder!”
In this study, participants were asked to think about either a big secret that they couldn’t stop thinking about or some kind of smaller secret that didn’t bother them as much. Then all of these participants were shown a picture of a hill and told to rate how steep it looked.
It turns out that people who were thinking about a big secret thought the hill was harder, which suggests that they find tasks more difficult.
So it’s like withholding some secrets can make us feel alone, increase stress levels, and even alter how we interact with others. And why would you want that when you’re trying to build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect?
…
One important thing to remember is that not every secret is the same.
Some secrets are safe to keep. For example, my friend has a birthday, and I am planning her birthday surprise. Another example, like not sharing my every thought that comes into my mind.
And you know what? This can be even more helpful because it gives me some kind of sense of independence and privacy.
But keeping some secrets and telling lies that touch both people is so harmful. For example, keeping secrets about money, health, or any affair is eventually going to hurt if they are not shared.
Just like when we talked about her, she kept things secret about her debt.
This didn’t just affect her credit score but also their plans, the trust he put in her, and their future responsibilities as a couple. These secrets can destabilize the whole foundation.
…
So, in my opinion, Is it good to keep secrets? Yes if it does not affect you both; no if it affects you both.
But now, the question? What should we do if we have it already?
Wait for the perfect time — the right time to share.
Because, as you know, timing is everything, and it’s all about timing. Telling the other half personal or tough things too soon in a relationship could be too much for them to handle. It’s especially not a good time if trust hasn’t grown well.
We should wait until it feels like the relationship has grown to some point where things are safe to say.
And we wouldn’t talk about all the problems from the past on the first date, right? Instead, these talks come up on their own as we become closer to our partner and more determined.
…
I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe. Sign up for my Medium newsletter.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: JJ Jordan on Unsplash