Imagine the following:
1) A wife chastises her husband of 20 years in full view of dinner guests over an innocent offhand remark he made about the steak being overcooked. This is not the first, but a habitual pattern of putting him down over the slightest shortcomings.
2) The husband has been having an affair with a coworker for what’s going on for a year now, even though he has a loving and supportive wife. Despite that, life at home remains relatively uneventful. He does what he has to do as a husband by providing financially and supporting her and his two kids.
What do the two scenarios above have in common?
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I reckon most people would say there is a lack of love.
While not entirely improbable, love is not the prevailing issue. Let me explain:
The husband in the second scenario is a shitty person; there is no debating that. However, his shitty behavior does not negate the fact that he still loves his wife. Contrary to popular belief, cheating, and love can and do coexist.
Love, at its core, is an intense feeling of deep affection for someone. Beyond that, what defines love becomes subjective and open to interpretation.
I know loving someone while betraying them sounds counterintuitive, but we have to remember the mind can be exceedingly proficient at rationalizing just about anything. We already do it all the time, telling white lies, stealing office utensils, or not reporting the small scratch we accidentally made on our neighbor’s car; these are all bad behaviors we engage in while simultaneously convincing ourselves we are not so bad by minimizing, justifying, or morally disengaging.
The same thing is happening with the wife in the first scenario.
She rationalizes her behavior by making herself out to be the victim — any criticism, even if justified, is an attack on her, so lashing out is not wrong.
However, the one thing that’s absent in both scenarios is RESPECT.
At its core, respect is the appreciation of the inherent worth, dignity, and boundaries of oneself and others. This is clearly present in the disregard for sexual exclusivity agreed upon in the first scenario and the disregard for the husband’s dignity in the second.
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Respect first followed by love
The way I see it…
For long-term stability, respect is crucial, more so than love. While love is indeed important, lacking respect, it’s all but useless. A great deal of relationship strife comes from a lack of respect, not a lack of love. Think about it — the arguments, violation of boundaries, the lack of trust and understanding, it comes down to a lack of respect.
I know if I had to choose between the two, I’m going to pick respect every time, if not for my own peace of mind. It’s better to have respect first and let the love flow from that. At least I will know my partner values me and our relationship enough to treat me with the dignity and consideration I deserve.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Wesley Tingey on Unsplash