I should state for the record that I have a master’s degree in counseling and practice as a mental health clinician. I have years of experience as a therapist — but that doesn’t mean I want a fixer-upper partner. Nor do I want one that sees me as a potentially good partner if only I’m willing to be someone or something I’m not already.
The Fairy Tale
Sometimes, I grieve for the way we, as a society, have shaped conversations around relationships. Fairy tales are bad enough at crafting unrealistic expectations. The damsel won’t lie there quietly while we kiss her. The prince doesn’t show up on his white horse to defeat our demons. No one is coming to save us — or at least, healthy people aren’t riding to the rescue to fix us. It’s only the people who are intrinsically unhealthy themselves who want to do this in the first place. A rescue complex is a red flag that needs our attention.
I don’t say this with judgment. I had a rescue complex. I didn’t think I could change anyone. At least, I told myself that. But I did think I could inspire them to be better. I could support their growth journey. I craved that feeling of being needed, and I didn’t know what to do without it. What I didn’t realize I was doing was taking one fixer-upper after another and trying to make them what I wanted. And some of them were doing the same to me.
It would take plenty of hard lessons learned to realize that I didn’t want to be with someone who needed major changes to be healthy in a relationship any more than I wanted to be with someone who didn’t think I was enough as I was. I didn’t need to rehabilitate a partner, and I didn’t want to be looked at as a person who needed to change to be worthy. It wasn’t fair to anyone to think that way — but society had told me and everyone else in a million little ways that this was how relationships were meant to work.
The Grim Truth
I didn’t want to fix the last person I loved. I just wanted to be loved by him. I wanted to support his journey but allow him to do whatever work he felt was needed. But if I’m honest, I grew to feel like he was seeing exactly who I was and wishing I was different. Every flaw. Every mistake. Every misstep — they all counted against me. I was not good enough, and he didn’t have to say it. His visceral disappointment said plenty.
And maybe he felt that disappointment, too, that he could not love me in the way that I needed. We kept letting each other down. Until the relationship itself broke apart.
A friend tells me that he has someone in mind for me to date. Then, he proceeds to list the red flags I’m capable of dealing with as an experienced therapist. While this wouldn’t be a problem if I was taking on a client, it certainly is an issue if I’m considering a potential partner. I wonder why anyone thinks that I want a project rather than a confident, self-aware, healing human being who is ready to meet me at the same level in life.
Similarly, another friend suggests a potential person to date — although I am clear that I’m not looking. This person would want me to be different though. To tone down who I am. To be a little less. More circumspect, perhaps. But I’m not interested in being less anything. I have grown to love the more in me.
I try not to be insulted. I know people mean well. They want me to be in a healthy, loving relationship with someone else. They don’t see it as good enough for me to be in a healthy, loving relationship with myself. I understand the perspective, but I fail to see why they think a subpar partnership would be better than a happy single life.
I should clarify that I’m not looking for perfection. I have my own issues that I’m working on, and I don’t expect someone to come into my life fully healed with no unresolved issues at all. But the standard I have set for myself is one where I can’t afford to be someone’s reason to get better. I can’t be the impetus for that change or the one who is essential to supporting it. I don’t need another inequitable relationship in my life where I’m carrying the mental and emotional load for making things work.
I know what happens next. When someone depends on us for their happiness, they are also likely to blame us for any unhappiness they experience. If we have the power to make them better, then there’s an assumption we can also make them worse. A bad day becomes our fault. A problem becomes something we should have solved. Every action and reaction come under scrutiny when things are no longer going well for them.
If that sounds like the voice of experience, it is. I ended up in an abusive relationship because the man who thought I made him better wasn’t better at all. When the issues he didn’t manage became a problem, I was the one he blamed. He began to take out his frustration on me, trying to convince me that if I was better, stronger, or more of something else, he wouldn’t be struggling. And that’s not healthy for anyone. Nor was it ever my responsibility to make him feel whole or healed as a human being.
Not Just Folklore
Relationships should add value to our life. We’re all human beings with a tendency to struggle, but that struggle shouldn’t weigh down the relationship. One person shouldn’t be carrying the burden of two throughout a relationship’s history. Both people should be supporting each other — and making each other’s lives better in the process. Sometimes, we might have to carry more of the load, but in my experience, if the relationship starts out inequitable, it often stays that way.
I’ve worked hard to become self-aware, self-reliant, independent, and capable of managing my life. I’ve learned to communicate better, to resolve conflicts respectfully, and to be a loving, affectionate, emotionally available partner. Even though I am an experienced mental health therapist, I’ve been to therapy and done the work to heal and address past trauma. I’ve put what I’ve learned into practice in my life. I know that I deserve someone who has done the work of being a healthy partner — not someone who is merely capable of that potential without yet living up to it.
I don’t look for partners with potential anymore. I need the ones who have realized their potential already in the way that I have. I need someone who is strong enough to carry their own weight in relationships and who won’t expect me to add to mine while shouldering none of it themselves.
I want the things we all say we want — chemistry, attraction, and humor. But I also want kindness and empathy, independence and maturity, and a growth mindset that lends itself to an intimate, healthy adult relationship. I don’t need perfection, but I do have standards.
Not Only Happily Ever After
I stopped waiting for my Happy Ever After a long time ago. I started living happily right now. I do dream about the future, but I don’t live there. I’ve learned to find the joy in the everyday. A partner will not complete me because I am whole already.
I stopped turning myself down and shrinking myself to fit. I stopped spending time in spaces where I felt I had to be less to be accepted more. I began to gravitate to the people who see me and love me for myself. My world expanded, and when I’m not with the people I love, I revel in my time alone. So, when someone suggests that I should consider a partner who hasn’t done the work I have and likely won’t, I’m not eager to meet them.
I know how far I’ve come. I know I’ve come too far to come back now. Anyone who wants to consider a relationship with me might want to catch up or be left behind in my stardust.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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