Hylke Faber, CEO and Coach at Growth Leaders Network & award-winning author of Taming Your Crocodiles: Unlearn Fear & Become a True Leader.
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It’s hard to miss. Sitting across from someone who is fully present has a magnetizing effect. We open up. We feel safe, maybe even held. We become more at ease and creative. The gift of our full attention is priceless.
Contrast this with speaking with someone who is less present. They may be checking their phone. Maybe they are trying to convince you of something without being interested in what you have to say. They could be outright judging you. The result? We shut down. We are sensitive beings. Something in us registers we are not completely welcome. We put our guard up rather than freely sharing what is in our hearts and minds.
Highly performing teams are highly present teams. When we are completely in the now together, we can be much more open and creative together. Conversations flow easily: We hear each other and feel heard.
Giving Attention To Our Inner Landscape
How about the attention we give to ourselves and our inner landscape? Similar story. When we are open, present and kind to ourselves, we can experience more peace and a deeper sense of being at home with ourselves.
We feel our emotions. We hold them with care. We stay present and listen to the deeper messages they have for us. Being present to our inner selves helps us access our wisdom, insight and deeper priorities. We connect to what is truly important to us.
How do we increase the quality of attention to ourselves, others and our work?
Intentional Or Autopilot Mind?
Anything we give attention to grows. Whether it is a constructive or a destructive thought, it expands when we think about it. We build stories and pictures of whatever we put our minds to.
The same is true for attention itself. When we intentionally place attention on attention, it grows. Without deliberate care, our attention can be haphazard, distracted and drawn in whatever direction our impulses drive us. It is called "monkey mind" for good reasons. Untamed, our mind jumps around.
How do we place intentional attention on our attention? First, we need to find the motivation to do so. How? By considering the alternative of not taking care of our attention.
Untamed minds tend to be absorbed in limiting games, driven by our separate sense of self, our ego. Untamed, we worry, obsess, judge, try to control others, fixate rigidly on something or go down the ratholes of apathy, despair or gossip. A leader with an untamed mind wastes time and attention on their ego agenda at the expense of taking care of the team and shared purpose. Untamed mind leaders can be hard to trust. People will know what these leaders really care about is not their teams.
It’s understandable our mind plays ego games. At the root, our mind is wired for our survival. Anything else is secondary. On autopilot, that’s what our mind will give its attention to: how to help us survive, both physically and emotionally. It will do whatever it can to keep our sense of self intact. If that means worrying about something so that we believe we are at least doing something to stay in control, so be it, says our autopilot mind. If it means judging someone else so we feel better, let’s do it.
Our autopilot mind is very narrowly focusing on the protection of mini-me. It’s not interested in bigger intentions such as learning, kindness, altruism, wisdom or compassion. Autopilot mind is unable to relate well with others: Instead of authentic dialogue, it aggressively pushes our opinions or defensively holds back. It isn’t interested in the other person’s perspective in the least. Autopilot mind isn’t capable of true empathy. Lacking empathy, autopilot mind leaders aren't able to create high-trust relationships and truly collaborate with others.
To increase true connectedness with our deeper selves, others and our purpose, what we call Connectedness Quotient, or CQ, we need to retrain our mind to give attention to something bigger than the immediate gratification of our survival, ego impulses.
Grounding In Presence
How do we go about developing CQ? There are many ways. They all come down to one thing: being Present. Ask yourself, “On a scale from 1-10, how present am I?” Ten is utterly present, like when you see your newborn for the first time or ask that person you were really interested in on a date. A one is totally distracted, maybe worried about the last meeting, a disagreement you had or some task that is incomplete. Notice what happens with the quality of your attention when you become more present. Chances are you might feel more alive, energized, focused, kinder. More connected to a bigger, more inclusive perspective. More at home in yourself and more able to empathize with others. High Presence leaders are calmer, kinder and more open to different perspectives.
Committing To Values
You further increase the quality of your attention by directing the energy that becomes available with Presence into living your values. What do you deeply value? For me, that is truth, love and service. I ask myself, how can I become a bit more honest, loving and of service in this moment? This simple contemplation starts to perfume the quality of my attention with my values, even if I never talk about it with anyone. Try it out: What happens with the quality of your attention when you commit to your values just a tad more now?
The Invitation
Think of a challenging conversation you need to have. What becomes possible when you intentionally increase the quality of the attention you bring to it? You may find yourself listening more deeply to what you truly want to share. You may be more able to truly take the other person’s seat and see the wisdom in their perspective.
What becomes possible today if you intentionally increase the quality of your attention?
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