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After an ‘Ambiguous’ Apology From Ryan Adams, What’s the Right Way to Say Sorry?

Specificity and transparency are essential to a good apology. The one released by Ryan Adams in response to reports of abusive behavior “does not meet the criteria by any stretch of the imagination,” one expert said.Credit...Terence Patrick/CBS, via Getty Images

Not long after The New York Times reported on allegations of abusive behavior by Ryan Adams on Wednesday, the singer-songwriter issued an apology on Twitter, as well as a denial.

Mr. Adams, 44, was accused of manipulating women and engaging in sexually explicit communication with a minor. In his tweet, he said that he was “not a perfect man” and had made many mistakes.

“To anyone I have ever hurt, however unintentionally, I apologize deeply and unreservedly,” he wrote. “But the picture that this article paints is upsettingly inaccurate. Some of its details are misrepresented; some are exaggerated; some are outright false. I would never have inappropriate interactions with someone I thought was underage. Period.”

On social media, the responses to Mr. Adams’s statement were largely negative, with some saying that any apology followed by the word “but” was disingenuous. Others disputed his statement by referring to a text he reportedly sent to a teenage girl with whom he had exchanged explicit messages that said, “If people knew they would say I was like R Kelley lol.” (The singer Robert Kelly has been accused of sexually abusing girls and women. He has denied the allegations.)

Since the #MeToo movement picked up steam in 2017, many powerful men have been accused of harassment, assault and abuse. The public apologies have been frequent, and not always well received.

In what now seems to be a constant cycle of public contrition, scrutiny and backlash, is there any one right way to say sorry?

“We have a pretty good understanding, from research, of what makes a satisfying apology,” said Christine Carter, a sociologist and a senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. “And the Ryan Adams one does not meet the criteria by any stretch of the imagination.”

Elizabeth Minei, an assistant professor of communication at Baruch College and a consultant specializing in interpersonal and organizational communication, said that every situation was different — in cases of violence or criminality, for instance, an apology is far from the major concern.

In Mr. Adams’s case, taking full responsibility for the allegations against him would not make sense since he denies them. And there is now a legal dimension to his case; on Thursday, it emerged that the F.B.I. was looking into the allegations about his communications with an underage teenager, and the release of his new album has been put on hold.

But in cases when people do admit to bad behavior, Dr. Minei said that apologies should include four things: an acknowledgment of error, a literal apology like “I’m sorry,” a promise not to repeat the behavior, and some form of restoration — a way to make things right.

She added that apologies should be timely, and that the odds of forgiveness are much higher when people show genuine remorse. “It’s the human emotion that people are looking to connect with,” she said.

Apologies like these — a good example is the one offered to Megan Ganz, a former writer for the sitcom “Community,” by the showrunner Dan Harmon — have resulted in forgiveness.

But in other cases, apologies have been used to hedge, hide or dodge. There is the “I’m sorry if you were offended …” formula, which can shift some responsibility to the wronged party. There is the “I’m sorry, but …” construction, which might include a denial or some mitigating context.

And in several cases apologies have included information that seemed utterly beside the point. Harvey Weinstein, who was accused of sexually assaulting or harassing dozens of women, said in his apology that he would channel his anger toward the National Rifle Association. Kevin Spacey, who was accused of sexual misconduct with a teenager, blended an if-true apology with a statement about coming out as a gay man.

In cases involving celebrities or powerful people, an apology is sometimes coached and carefully crafted, Dr. Minei said. She added that Mr. Adams’s apology seemed in line with a tactic called strategic ambiguity: “It’s being purposefully ambiguous while still alluding to some transgression.”

But specificity and transparency are essential to a good apology, Dr. Carter said. She added that sharing feelings of sorrow or embarrassment can show that someone has learned from his or her mistakes.

“What we want to know is that they’re not going to do it again,” she said. “With all kinds of mistakes, the fear behind an insincere apology is that the person hasn’t learned anything, and that they are not going to make any reparations for their actions.”

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