Love it or hate it, the 69 position can be divisive, says Lisa Finn, sex educator at Babeland. When it works, the mutual experience of getting and receiving pleasure at the same time can feel amazing. For those who’d rather do anything but, the multitasking of trying to give and receive oral sex at the same time is just too damn much. But with these 69 sex positions, plus our expert tips and workarounds, you might just be able to turn 69 into the glorious mutual love fest you deserve.
If you’re new to it, 69 is an oral sex position where you and a partner are curved together, each of you with your groin in the other person’s face. “One of the biggest ‘issues’ people have with 69-ing is keeping focus—it’s hard to be able to keep your attention on your partner’s pleasure while you’re experiencing that much pleasure yourself,” says Finn.
Fear not, because you have options. First, ditch the expectation that Everyone Must Cum (this is a good general rule for all sex). Use 69 as part of sex, not necessarily as a big finishing move. “Sixty-nine is about mutual pleasure,” says licensed clinical psychologist Janet Brito, PhD, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and supervisor at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu. “Make sure you take your time and be curious.”
If the multitasking is too overwhelming, rip up the 69 script by keeping the position but taking turns. Or switch out the double oral with another kind of stimulation. “Have one partner go down while the other uses their hands or a toy to stimulate the other,” says Finn. You can throw in vibrators, butt plugs, a masturbation sleeve, or whatever else you want! Switch between oral and toys, just use toys, make it into a mutual hand-job situation—up to you!
And if 69 is uncomfortable because of height differences between you and your partner, tweak the shape of the position or try positioning pillows, says Finn.
These eight positions can help you create your own bespoke 69 experience. (And, as with all sex stuff—or life stuff, for that matter—if you truly do not want to do it, don’t do it! “Enthusiastic consent is key!” says Finn.)
1. The Pillow Lift
If your body parts aren’t *quite* lining up, use a positioning pillow to get mouths and groins where they need to be. The taller person lies on the bottom with a pillow under their hips while the shorter person straddles their face. “The pillow will push the hips forward, making it an easier reach for the shorter partner—plus, they can rely on rocking back and forth with more of their body for motion,” says Finn.
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2. Flexible 69
"Sixy-nine doesn’t need to be simultaneous oral,” says Finn. Mix mouths, hands and toys as you please. “You’ll still be getting each other off, but you can explore different sensations. Wand-style vibes with longer handles will provide some extra reach (for folks with penises, there are attachments for that!) and can help with a height difference. Go back and forth alternating between oral and other stimulation, or pace out your O’s instead of aiming for simultaneous release—you can even play with edging!”
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3. The Mechanic
This is a great option when one of you is way taller than the other. “It allows either partner to take control of rhythm, depth, or pressure. The standing partner can rock into the laying partner, or the partner laying down can grip the standing partner’s ass (hot) to control movement,” says Finn. “For oral on a penis or dildo, laying with the neck extended like this also opens up the throat, which can help reduce gagging and/or allow for easier deep throating.” Again, a positioning pillow can be a friend here.
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4. The Lazy 69
If 69 isn’t going to be enough to make you orgasm (normal, btw), just enjoy it as a leisurely goal-free way to share pleasure with your partner. When you rethink it as a starter activity before more focused stimulation with toys, hands, or penetration, 69 feels less performative (must…orgasm) and is much easier to relax into. Try lying on your sides facing each other. “It can be more comfortable and it helps with height differences,” says Brito. And don't be afraid to incorporate a flavored lube, to make the whole experience just a little sweeter.
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5. The 68
Avoid multitasking and give yourself the full focus by lying face up on top of your partner with knees bent, legs open, and your butt on their chest. “What makes this position awesome is that it focuses attention on the perineum, a super-sensitive bit of skin between the genitals and anus that often goes neglected,” says Tara Struyk, cofounder and editor-in-chief of Kinkly.com, noting that this is a favorite of their readers. “We hear from so many people who go totally wild when they’re touched here.”
6. The Teasing 69
Avoid that weird 69 zone where you’re simultaneously giving and receiving yet not really doing either properly by trading off. Torture your partner by bringing them juuuuust to the brink of orgasm, then switch. Keep switching off, adding hands or toys as needed/wanted.
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7. The Power 69
Play with power dynamics by having the partner on top dominate what’s happening. The designated dominator straddles their partner, controlling what they get by pressing their groin into the bottom partner’s mouth (a face fuck, if you will). If you want some comfort with your BDSM play, the bottom person gets a neck pillow for support or a sex wedge to lift their butt for better access.
8. The Supercharged 69
Up the stimulation using toys and 69 gets way more interesting. Have your partner press a favorite vibrator against you. If it’s a penis that’s in your face, try a vibrating cock ring with your mouth or a masturbation sleeve. If it’s a V you’re dealing with, reciprocate with their favorite toy. Let the toys do their thing and behold the glory of simultaneous machine-powered orgasms.
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I'm a Sex and Relationships Editor for Cosmo's Snapchat Discover, which you should definitely subscribe to :).
Jill Hamilton is a contributor for Cosmopolitan.com and writes the blog In Bed With Married Women.
