One of my first memories is sitting in therapy crying because I couldn’t stop imagining my therapist naked. I was probably 8 years old, so it wasn’t a sex-related thought, I just thought nudity was “bad.” Once I started obsessing over nudity—specifically not thinking about people naked—it became the only thing I could do.

Obsession is what the O in OCD stands for. They’re consistent, intrusive thoughts. “People with OCD can have obsessions related to a wide variety of things, including losing control, hurting others, unwanted sexual thoughts, and many more,” Jeff Szymanski, PhD and Executive Director of the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF), tells Prevention.

The C stands for Compulsions. “The anxiety caused by these obsessions can be lessened by different compulsions,” Szymanski explains, “such as ‘checking’ (eg, re-checking door locks, repeatedly making sure the oven is off), ‘repeating’ (eg, doing the same action or ritual over and over to be sure it was done “correctly”), and ‘counting’ (eg, doing things in certain numbers, counting items to certain numbers).”

One of my many, but most detrimental compulsions involved my alarm clock. In elementary school, I would check to see if my alarm was on roughly 100 times a night. Despite trying best not to re-check, because I knew, logically, it was on, I couldn’t help myself. Every 30 seconds to 10 minutes, I would turn the light on my alarm to see if it was set for the morning.

Fun, Glasses, Chin, Cheek, Smile, Party, Ear, Event, Eyewear, Vision care,
Zachary Zane
The author in 2001.

This, of course, only exacerbated the rest of my OCD symptoms since I was running on a few hours of sleep a night. My handwashing got worse. I’d run back into my room repeatedly to make sure the lights were off. My wiping, too, become excessive. I could use up to two rolls of toilet paper every time I used the facilities just to make sure I was “clean” down there. It was a nightmare.

Obsessions and compulsions aren’t even the worst part of the disorder.

What people don’t understand about OCD, which affects 2 to 3 million adults and half a million youth in the U.S. alone, are that obsessions and compulsions aren’t even the worst part of the disorder. Sure, they impact our relationships and emotional wellbeing, but it’s the self-loathing that’s the hardest to manage.

Personally, I knew my checking was ridiculous. I knew that my alarm clock was 99.99 percent on, but still, I needed to check. I also recognized that nothing bad would happen if, Lord forbid, it didn’t go off. My mom would wake me up, or at worse, I’d be a couple hours late to school. Nothing remotely life-threatening would occur, yet I still couldn’t stop, and I hated myself for it. I felt insane and stupid without any autonomy over my life.

Allison Raskin, the New York Times bestselling author and comedian, struggled with OCD-related self-loathing too, although hers was rooted in a constant need for verbal reassurance and approval. While FaceTiming with both Allison and her mother, Ruth Raskin, Ruth said: “She would call me in college and ask if it was OK to stop studying now. Then she’d ask again and again. Are you sure it’s okay? Is it alright? Are you completely sure?”

Leather, Clothing, Leather jacket, Jacket, Outerwear, Fashion, Textile, Material property, Coat, Top,
Allison Raskin
Allison and her mom, Ruth.

The need for reassurance carried into her dating life. “I would keep contacting somebody if I didn’t get a response from them, since I needed assurance," Allison said. "I hated myself for not being able to control how I acted and felt a lot of self-loathing for that."

Cleanliness was yet another area where her OCD manifested. “I was afraid to go to someone’s house because I didn’t know how clean it would be, and was constantly afraid of tracking dirt and germs,” Allison recalled. “The difference, now, is that I can keep that to myself and be okay. Before I had to vocalize it, check the entire house, and make a big deal out of it. It’s a strange way to live your life and not a lot of fun.”

A combination of therapy, medication, and unconditional family support helped Allison’s condition improve. Luckily, Ruth noticed an immediate change in her personality at the age of four and sought psychiatric help immediately.

“She went from this happy-go-lucky kid, to not touching anything, not letting me hug her, and constantly freaking out,” Ruth explained. "Allison would even lie in the middle of the road saying she wants to die."

Within a week of first exhibiting severe symptoms, Allison started liquid Prozac, which was a very new treatment at the time for pediatric OCD, but the doctor saw how severe her symptoms were. If she wasn’t treated immediately, both the doctor and Ruth believe Allison would have committed suicide.

Ruth also got Allison into therapy immediately. “One of my first memories is putting floor cleaner on my leg as exposure therapy,” Allison recalled. This was done to help Allison learn to sit with her legs touching the floor, and the therapist would then remove the cleaner.

“Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is considered the first-line treatment for OCD,” explains Szymanski. “It’s a form of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and has the strongest evidence supporting its use in the treatment of OCD.”

“The Exposure in ERP refers to exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects and situations that make you anxious and/or start your obsessions,” states the IOF website. “While the Response Prevention part of ERP, refers to making a choice not to do a compulsive behavior once the anxiety or obsessions have been ‘triggered.’ All of this is done under the guidance of a therapist at the beginning—though you will eventually learn to do your own ERP exercises to help manage your symptoms.”

Medications, too, can help improve symptoms of OCD drastically, including a specific type of antidepressant called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs). They have been shown to be 40-60 percent effective in at least a partial reduction of symptoms. Prozac, which Allison took, is an SSRI, and so too is Zoloft, which I’ve been on since I was 8 years old.

In addition to therapy and medication, Allison (and myself) had the support of our parents. Ruth was quick to see the extreme changes in Allison’s mentality and behavior and sought treatment instantly.

“I think parents often think [mental health illnesses] are a phase, and don’t want to deal with it. Parents need to understand that OCD, anxiety, or depression, can develop at any age. It’s important for parents to look out for their child's mental health the same way they look out for their physical health.”

That last thing that has helped Allison over the years “is becoming the biggest proponent of positive thinking and being nice to yourself and thoughts.” Over the course of multiple decades, she’s learned to remove judgement surrounding her symptoms.

“I’ve realized it’s not a reflection of my worth as a person. It's just a thing I have. Address it like you would any physical issue: get help, work on it, and do your best to live your life.”


Stay updated on the latest science-backed health, fitness, and nutrition news by signing up for the Prevention.com newsletter here. For added fun, follow us on Instagram.