Feeling rejected in your relationship?

In a romantic relationship what you perhaps seek most is having good conversations, being understood, having support, being able to share emotions and experiences, discussing the challenges you face, and in essence spending good times together. When relationships are able to fulfill most, even if not all of these needs, it keeps us going and sustains the feelings we have towards our partner.However, there can be times when things go awry and we may begin to feel that our perspectives are not being given space, the acceptance of our views is missing, we feel invalidated and believe that our partner is being insensitive to us. These lead us to feel rejected in our relationships and can compromise its quality, detracting from the positivity we feel in being with the person.
Our responses
The challenge of feeling rejected lies in the negative self-evaluation it can potentially catapult into. Besides impacting moods and thinking, it can make you feel not valued and cherished by the person you consider integral to your life. This can become a self-perpetuating pattern and a vicious cycle which can be difficult to break as you continue to feel vulnerable. It can result in two ways in which you may start responding to situations and conversations with your partner.
You may find yourself either fighting back or withdrawing from your interactions. This results from the desire to save and restore what was previously characteristic of your relationship and the communication within it. In fighting back, you may often not be aware of the reasons for the rejection and may thus struggle to resolve the issue, leading to further deterioration in the relationship. In contrast, if you engage in withdrawing, hoping that the other is able to understand that something is wrong and makes things better, you are wishing for a magical intervention. More often than not withdrawal receives anger and more withdrawal in its turn from the other side. Essentially things appear to go into a downward spiral from which recovery gets increasingly difficult.

The needed approach
An approach that works better for your sense of self and the relationship involves being clear, precise and assertive about what you are feeling. Expressing and explaining in a cogent manner your experience of the rejection creates space for dialogue. It encourages the other person to come forth and engage in a conversation, allowing exchange of ideas and experiences, thus making it possible for remedial measures to be put in place. This needs to occur in moments of calm and not when either of you are in the throes of strong, difficult emotions.
While you do this, it is also important to focus on the meaning you are attributing to your experience and the value you place on the feeling of rejection generated within you. It is often seen that your own insecurities can make things more complicated. To combat it avoid the cycles of self-criticism and in its place revive your self-esteem by making realistic appraisals of the situations you find yourself in with your partner. Do so to ensure that you do not stay unnecessarily hassled and stressed. Simultaneously, keep talking to and seeking support in your friends and family.
Working through rejections is a process needing continuous work which happens best when you feel supported and you maintain your belief in yourself.
—By Kamna Chhibber
Kamna Chhibber is the Head (Mental Health), Department of Mental Health and Behavioural Sciences at Fortis Healthcare