I don't want my in-laws to live with us

Question: I’m a 25-year-old Indian girl who is born and raised in Canada. I used to live with my parents and brother until I was 19 years old. Since then I have moved to a different city. Currently, I am living with my fiancé. We are getting married in 2021. My fiancé is also Indian and had moved to Canada when he was 22 years old. He is now 33 years old.He doesn’t have any family in Canada. We have a smooth and happy relationship. However, the problem is that he is planning to bring his whole family to Canada very soon to live with us for the rest of their lives. I can’t deal with this as they are from a very small place, are extremely old fashioned and not very educated. Especially his mother. She’s a nightmare as she plays mind games and loves to interfere in everything.
I’m under a lot of stress as this will change the whole dynamic of our relationship. We both are not used to living with a third person, let alone four people. However, he doesn’t even acknowledge that this is not good for our relationship as we are not even married yet and he expects me to be absolutely fine with this. I have tried talking to him about this issue but he thinks I am selfish. We both love each other and enjoy each other’s company when it’s just the two of us. However, if we are around a third person, he completely changes and doesn’t show any love and affection towards me and I’m okay with that to an extent but when his family will be around us 24/7 he will never acknowledge or prioritise our relationship. Please let me what to do.—By Anonymous
Response by Rachana Awatramani: Adjustment refers to balancing conflicting needs and understanding other person's need as well. There are several effects of adjustment problem such as stress, frustration, anxiety and sometimes also fear of the unknown.
I comprehend that you are a 25-year-old Indian girl who is born and raised in Canada and you used to live with your parents and brother until you were 19 years old. You mentioned that you are currently living with your fiance and by 2021 you will get married to him. It appears to me that your fiance is 33 years old and doesn't have any family in Canada, which gives you space, and also you both share a happy and smooth relationship with each other. However, your fiance is planning to invite his family to Canada very soon to live with you and him for the rest of their life. I agree that this will be a big change for you as you have a different lifestyle and they will have a different lifestyle in which you and his family might find it challenging to cope with the situation. You stated that his mother is a nightmare as she plays mind games. I am sure you have your reasons for sharing such a strong opinion about her, The relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is very fragile because both care for the same person, for the same family but there is a difference in the relationship and the perception towards it. Nevertheless, your personalities can also create a clash as you come from a different upbringing and values.
You feel that you are under a lot of stress as including your fiance's family will change the whole dynamic of your relationship. It can be scary and also challenging to deal with this situation. However, they have still not reached Canada and I am sure it will take some time, which gives you a lot of time to prepare yourself for the situation. First, I want you to reflect and prioritise what exactly is making you uncomfortable and what exactly you want. I understand that you both are not used to living with a third person and he might not give you priority and attention. Due to these reasons will you want him not to call his family to Canada? Many Indian families live together and are brought up in a joint family culture which can be challenging for you as you have not been living in a joint family. I respect your space and discomfort. Does this mean you don't want to let your husband live with his family?
Second, once you reflect on this, let's work on the middle path. It is not necessary that they live in the same house as yours; you can always create boundaries and live in different houses, which will give you space and also give them time to settle in a new place. You both love each other and enjoy each other's company which is great, you can share this with your would-be husband and explain to him about your fears. Third, when his family is here you can discuss the priorities as they are his family you are also his family. I think you can give him a chance to balance and express your trust towards him. Lastly, consider meeting a counsellor who can guide you to work on each other's expectations
Relationships are long term investment, challenges would arise at different stages, however, how you work towards it in collaboration will make situations easy to cope.
Ms. Rachana Awatramani is a Counseling Psychologist at Insight Counseling Services in Mumbai
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