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“Milan you say? I’ve got just the t-shirt.”
“Milan you say? I’ve got just the t-shirt.” Photograph: Gareth Cattermole/Fifa via Getty Images
“Milan you say? I’ve got just the t-shirt.” Photograph: Gareth Cattermole/Fifa via Getty Images

The possibility of a petulant diva strop is always on the cards

This article is more than 4 years old

THE WORST

Labelled “the hissing hooligans” by the Italian media, it could be argued the loggionisti are the ultras of the opera world. From their places in the cheap seats high in the gods of Milan’s La Scala, this vocal minority of purists have reduced many a world-famous performer to tears with their loud and forthright on-the-spot critiques. And while those taking to the stage at the world’s most famous opera house tonight are well used to fielding abuse from hostile crowds, it is to be hoped The Best Fifa Football Awards™ pass off without any of the talent present getting upset.

Of course, with Cristiano Ronaldo in town, the possibility of a petulant diva strop is always on the cards and the Juventus and Portugal star may well throw a hissy-fit when Virgil van Dijk scoops the Best Men’s Player award ahead of both he and Leo Messi. In the women’s category brave English Lioness Lucy Bronze is likely to miss out at the expense of Team USA! USA!! USA!!!’s Alex Morgan or Megan Rapinoe, but will at least have a good view of the stage as the Fiver hears she has borrowed her team-mate Ellen White’s goal celebration opera glasses especially for the grand occasion.

In the men’s coach category, Big Cup-winning Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp, his domestic treble-winning Manchester City counterpart Pep and increasingly-forlorn Tottenham Hotspur gaffer Mauricio Pochettino will duke it out for the gong, while the women’s equivalent will be contested between World Cup-winning Team USA!! USA!!! USA!!! coach Jill Ellis and Netherland’s’ Sarina Wegman. For reasons that remain unclear, England’s Phil Neville has also made the shortlist for his services in costing the Football Association a fortune to make England slightly-less good than they were four years ago.

Even if Messi fail to win men’s player gong, he may not go home empty-handed. The Argentinian maestro is also on the three-man shortlist for the Puskás Award for best goal along with Juan Fernando Quintero and Daniel Zsori. Filling the obligatory “some unlikely clogger from the backwaters of Ireland or Scotland” role, Billie Simpson of Sion Swift Ladies failed to make the cut for her world-class agricultural hoof from inside her own half against Cliftonville Ladies in the Norn Iron Premiership. With the only remaining awards of this orgy of self-congratulatory Fifa backslapping rather randomly going to male and female goalkeepers, the jeers from the cheap-seats may come from rattle-throwing team-mates upset that their individual outfield contributions have been ignored.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“‘Footballers are obviously targeted individuals. They want something that when they go away will keep their family safe. They’re not aggressive animals in the slightest — until called upon” – Richard Arnold, boss of Chaperone K9, a company that flogs guard dogs to people with loads of dosh, explains why Paul Pogba has splashed out £15,000 on one of the company’s specially-trained rottweilers.

Unlike Manchester United, rottweilers are not toothless and will attack (attack, attack) when instructed to. Photograph: dageldog/Getty Images

FIVER LETTERS

“Apparently, Mike Ashley receives two dog turds in the post every week. What I want to know is, who’s sending the other one?” – Nick Kershaw.

“Presumably due to the lack of quality local football, good to see your Tongan cousin James getting a runout with the egg chasers on Saturday” – Andrew Hodkin.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Kershaw.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Kick It Out has called on the FA to take action against a “discriminatory” tweet by Bernardo Silva in reference to his Manchester City teammate Benjamin Mendy.

Perhaps because their fans need cheering up, Manchester United are going to carry out a feasibility study into installing rail seating at Old Trafford. “We believe it will likely benefit atmosphere but also enhance spectator safety in areas where fans already persistently stand,” cheered a Manchester United Supporters’ Trust suit, probably while standing.

Fans of Liverpool and Manchester United are awaiting news on whether tickets for upcoming Euro Vase and Big Cup away games will be valid after financial-knack led to the collapse of Thomas Cook, who organise travel packages for both clubs.

A man and a woman who worked for a CCTV company have been jailed for illegally accessing and watching footage of Emiliano Sala’s postmortem.

Real Madrid won a game of football!

STILL WANT MORE?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 (ten, X) talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action. Go on, count them.

Hot composite action. Composite: Getty/AFP

Barney Ronay didn’t want to have to talk about VAR after Liverpool’s win against Chelsea … but he couldn’t help himself.

N’Golo Kanté’s Roy of the Rovers-style display against Liverpool only helped to highlight the structural deficiencies in Chelsea’s team, writes floating-football-brain-in-a-jar Jonathan Wilson.

David Hytner on Ole Gunnar Solskjær.

An ode to Mark Noble, by Richard Williams no less.

Inter’s perfect start in Serie A is more than a little flattering but their derby win showed they’re in much better shape than Milan, writes Nicky Bandini.

“The faces said it all – overwhelming relief, delight and, yes, disbelief.” Andy Brassell’s Bundesliga blog on Borussia Mönchengladbach’s derby-day victory is worth your time.

An interview with Colchester United captain Luke Prosser, who faces his former side, Tottenham Hotspur, in Fizzy Cup on Tuesday.

Neymar is back, baby. But let’s not get too hyped, urge Adam White and Eric Devin.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

FARE WELL, 479A.

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