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What to do about a friend and her toddler’s bedtime? Meghan Leahy has some advice.

Perspective by
November 12, 2019 at 10:30 a.m. EST
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[Reprinted from a recent online discussion with Meghan Leahy.]

Q: Toddler bedtime flexibility?

Hi, Meghan,

My BFF has a daughter who is now 18 months old. She puts daughter to bed on the dot at 6 p.m. every night and has since she was only a few months old. BFF wakes up at 5 a.m. daily to shower and prep breakfast for herself and daughter, who gets up at 6 a.m.; they leave for day care/work by 7 a.m.

BFF will not adjust this routine no matter what. I don’t have kids, but another friend with two kids has said the daughter should be staying up a bit later now, especially since she has naptime at day care and is away from mom all day (until 4:30 p.m.). I realize being a single parent is incredibly challenging, but I worry that my BFF has locked herself into a box and is missing out on the joys in life, like having dinner out (hasn’t since daughter was born), seeing the sun set, as well as just awake time with her daughter outside of weekends. She also won’t ever get a babysitter, which is a different issue.

Any advice? Is the kid sleeping too long each night? For what it’s worth, daughter usually fusses only a few minutes (10 or less) before falling asleep, and BFF has set up a white noise machine in the room so that we can at least talk in the next room without disturbing the daughter.

A: Meghan Leahy

Okay. So, here’s the deal: This is none of your business. There is zero abuse, zero depression, zero anxiety, zero problem.

The beauty of having kids is that, hell or high water, they are going to grow and change and let their parents know what they need. And maybe this 18-month-old still needs the sleep, maybe not. Either way, it isn’t your problem.

Will this mom turn around and wish she had been a little more lenient in three years? Maybe, maybe not. It’s not your problem. Will your friend be grateful that she kept this routine, given she is a single mom? I don’t know, and it isn’t my business, either. I am not a single mom, so I go very far out of my way to not judge single moms. So should everyone.

Your only job is to show up with a casserole, a dessert, a bottle of something and be with your friend in her house.

Can you suggest that you see each other outside the house? Sure. If she’s really your BFF, you can say, “Hey, I know someone who can babysit. … let’s wait until the baby goes to bed, leave and come back in an hour!” Baby steps may work for your friend … or not.

I know this is a difficult transition for friendships. You two couldn’t be in more different places, but don’t talk to other people about your friend’s mothering and don’t listen to other people offer their opinions. They don’t know, and it isn’t their business.

Support your friend — that’s your only job.

Join Meghan Nov. 20 for her next On Parenting chat. You can ask your questions now. Are you already thinking about the chaos that the holidays are? Join us for a special On Parenting Holiday chat with Meghan. You can ask those questions anytime. On Parenting newsletter here.

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