"Man, you're a busted scooter at the dump…"
It’s Monday and I don’t feel like starting the week, looming election or no looming election, with my hair on fire. So thank the creative elves at Bad Lip Reading for slicing and dicing the first debate and dropping this bit of genius...
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Okay. Now you can pass me the matches.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, October 26, 2020
Note: Vote.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til voting ends: 8
Minimum number of Americans who have already voted: 50 million
Number of the four polls taken Thursday night in which Joe Biden and Donald Trump, respectively, were deemed the winner of the debate: 4, 0
Percent of registered voters polled by Gallup who don't believe Trump deserves a second term: 56%
Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who believe the U.S. should put more emphasis on generating domestic power from wind and solar, respectively: 70%, 80%
Percent of the 160,000 claims filed by students who were defrauded by their schools that were rejected by Betsy DeVos's Education Department: 94%
Minimum number of Mar-A-Lago members who were handed ambassadorships by Trump: 4
World Series
The Los Angeles Dodgers lead the Tampa Bay Rays 3 games to 2.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: That Monday morning feeling…
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CHEERS to gray hair and boiling blood. Seniors, who Trump has taken for granted his entire term, have been busy doing something that is making him very angry: they're paying attention. And with the 2020 vote down to its last 10 days, that's not what he needs to win…
[T]his cycle, former Vice President Joe Biden is cutting into Trump's coalition, making significant gains with older voters across the U.S., particularly in must-win states for Trump. A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll found the two men running even among likely voters 65 and older nationally—48% to 49%.
Trump leads Biden by 8 points in Florida and 10 points in North Carolina among likely voters over 65, according to a pair of ABC News/Washington Post polls -- margins slashed by roughly half compared to2016. […]
In follow-up interviews with more than a dozen independent and Republican voters over 65 who participated in recent ABC News/Washington Post polls in Florida and North Carolina, including some who voted for Trump in 2016, most said they're repelled by the president after four years. His fumbled response to the pandemic and derogatory rhetoric outweigh his much-touted economic gains, the voters said.
Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, Republicans are facing an onslaught of opposition from those darn kids. So with seniors on one side, and young'uns on the other, Trump is getting squished like a grape—a swollen orange moldy gelatinous malodorous Adderall-engorged grape oozing bleach from its veins. I pity whoever draws the short straw to clean that mess up.
JEERS to panic in the oil fields? During last Thursday's debate—which the Democrat handily won, according to four reputable polls—Joe Biden made the fatal mistake of calling for a reduction in fossil fuels. His exact words: “I would transition from the oil industry, yes.” That was all the conservative oil cultists needed to pounce, claiming that Biden had just sunk his chances of winning Texas or any other state ever in the history of the universe. And now this is the part where I accidentally trip and “spill” all these statements from various state of the Union Addresses delivered by—[checks notes]—Republican President and former oil baron George W. Bush:
"A single chemical reaction between hydrogen and oxygen generates energy, which can be used to power a car—producing only water, not exhaust fumes. With a new national commitment, our scientists and engineers will overcome obstacles to taking these cars from laboratory to showroom, so that the first car driven by a child born today could be powered by hydrogen, and pollution-free."
—2003
"Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil. … By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment [and] move beyond a petroleum-based economy."
—2006
"America is on the verge of technological breakthroughs that will enable us to live our lives less dependent on oil. And these technologies will help us be better stewards of the environment, and they will help us to confront the serious challenge of global climate change."
—2007
"Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. Last year, I asked you to pass legislation to reduce oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded."
—2008
I knew we should've impeached the bastard. Sorry, sorry, I mean: I knew we should've impeached the bastard, y’all.
JEERS to the teabaggers of yesteryear. Speaking of dirty Republicans mixing with dirty energy: Ninety-seven years ago today, a Senate committee began investigating the Teapot Dome scandal. This political cartoon was popular back then:
Fourth-worst-president-ever (moving down a notch since Dampnut took the oath, and only slightly better than Buchanan and Bush II) Warren Harding's cronies were allowing private companies to lease government oil reserves from public land in Wyoming. As a result of the investigation, Interior Secretary Albert Fall became the first cabinet member to go to jail. He was a Republican. Shocking.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. The mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on with 43 million cases worldwide, the usual 20 percent of them in the U.S. Our weekly tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world as our death toll now surpasses the population of America’s 97th-largest city Richmond, Virginia:
6 months ago: 987,000 confirmed cases. 55,000 deaths.
3 months ago: 4.3 million confirmed cases. 150,000 deaths
1 month ago: 7.3 million confirmed cases. 209,000 deaths
This morning: 9 million confirmed cases. 230,000 deaths
And I hate to break this to you, America, but…oh, how to put this gently…your president lied to you again. The warm weather of summer did not make the virus "disappear very quickly like a miracle." So with cooler weather here, it's covid party time again. Forgive us if we skip the punch and cookies.
Today's washing machines are more energy-efficient, water-conserving and reliable. (But they make some weird sounds. Ours spends most of its time going "Snrrk… Snrrk… Snrrk…") But some things haven’t changed, like if you forget to check your pockets for anything that melts when exposed to hot water and massive centrifugal force before you push START, you're still screwed. (Damn you, candy corn—that was my favorite Lance Link: Secret Chimp tuxedo shirt.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 26, 2010
JEERS to getting your wires crossed. Homeland Security has been Job #1 for our law enforcement agencies for the last decade. So it should come as no surprise that a new report says that the FBI's super-awesome bad-guy-catching computer system is incomplete, late and over budget:
"Sentinel is approximately $100 million over budget and 2 years behind schedule," the report from Justice Department Inspector General Glenn A. Fine said, and still lacks common features of personal computers and ordinary word-processing software, such as search functions, spell-checking and automatic document saves.
But the news isn’t all bad. The porn downloading software works flawlessly.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a woman who had to debate Republicans with 90 percent of her brain switched off just to make it a fair fight. Happy 73rd birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to Hillary Rodham Clinton, the only human in world history who can boast of having First Lady, United States Senator, Secretary of State, and first female major-party presidential nominee on her resume. She should have “45th president” on it, too, having clocked Trump in every debate, secured every major newspaper endorsement, run on positions far more popular than Trump’s, possessed more brainpower by a factor of a gazillion, and handily won the popular vote. (Thanks a lot, Comey. And Russia. And Wikileaks. And Jill Stein. And you, too, fucking media.) Some pearls from the walking fountain of wisdom:
"Donald Trump's ideas aren't just different. They are dangerously incoherent. They're not even really ideas, just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds and outright lies. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons."
"We can’t hide from any of these hard truths about race and justice in America. We have to name them and own them and then change them."
"To LGBT men and women worldwide, let me say this: wherever you live and whatever the circumstances of your life, whether you are connected to a network of support or feel isolated and vulnerable,please know that you are not alone."
"The difference between a politician and a statesman is that a politician thinks about the next election while the statesman think about the next generation."
"Climate change is real. It is here. It has to be dealt with. If I hear another politician or public official say they don’t know what to say because they’re not a scientist, I’m just going to yell, ‘Go talk to a scientist!’"
"If there is one message that echoes forth from this conference, let it be that human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights, once and for all."
“Americans are sick of the Trump reality show. Let’s cancel it for good, shall we?”
"You cannot have maternal health without reproductive health. And reproductive health includes contraception and family planning and access to legal, safe abortion."
This year I got her a new sweatshirt that says "3,000,000 More Than Doofus" on the back. (I hope it's not too subtle.)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Bill in Portland Maine is a very confused guy."
—Joe Biden
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