Fisting is one of those sex acts that often gets written off as a porn trope. To be sure, fisting—or the act of penetrating someone with a fist vaginally or anally—does seem hella intense. Like, it’s an entire human fist. Inside your body. (!!)
But rest assured that done right, fisting can actually be an extremely pleasurable sex act. “People enjoy the ‘fullness’ sensation,” says Zachary Zane, a Cosmo relationship columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. “It can lead to incredible vaginal and anal orgasms. It’s also a very intimate act to have someone else’s entire hand inside of you.”
If fisting is something you’re interested in trying out, have no fear. As long as you’re with a partner you trust, have a truckload of lube and a lot of patience, it’s totally doable. Oh, and by the way, Zane adds that you can be your own trusted partner—because, yes, you can fist yourself.
What’s more, psychotherapist Lee Phillips, LCSW, a certified sex and couples therapist, tells Cosmo that a full fist in a vagina (or anus) stimulates more tissue than your run of the mill finger bang, which may translate to increased pleasure for some. Not to mention, there’s also a psychological component to fisting, Lee adds. “People have often reported [that] seeing their partner’s hand all the way up inside of them makes them feel ultimately loved, and that their partner is breathing life into them.” So yeah, fisting can be pretty intense on multiple levels!
Additionally, Zane notes that taking a fist can be a point of pride for some folks: “People like to test their limits to see just how much they can fit inside of them.”
So why are people freaked out by fisting if it has such massive pleasure potential? Well, because of bad sex education (sigh).
Fisting gets a bad rap because of BS myths we have about the vagina—like the idea that it gets looser if you put larger objects inside of it. This is categorically false. A vagina can fit a lot more than you’d think—like, for example, a whole human baby—and it bounces back to its previous shape. Vaginas are resilient and designed to be stretched.
With all this in mind, we have to be clear that fisting isn’t as simple as throwing a fist up someone’s vagina (or butt), because that would be super painful. You need to take your sweet time to warm up the vagina and relax the body so it’s able to handle a fist in a pleasurable way.
So without further ado, let’s dive right in with some expert tips on how to fist and be fisted.
1. It’s not a bad idea to try it yourself with some toys first.
Katherin Winnick, sex coach and Deputy Editor at Letstalksex.net, says that if you’re on the receiving end of fisting, you can help stretch out your vagina and get used to the sensation by trying an inflatable dildo or butt plug (if you’re doing anal fisting). There are also specially designed sex toys meant to mimic the look and feel of a fist, if you wanna get realistic with it.
Doc Johnson Doc Johnson Belladonna's Bitch Fist Realistic Fisting Dildo
Doc Johnson Doc Johnson Belladonna's Bitch Fist Realistic Fisting Dildo
2. Have an orgasm beforehand.
Winnick also says that having an orgasm (at least one, but if you go for multiple, do you!) can help relax your PC muscles and get ready for receiving.
3. Get your positioning right.
You’re taking a fist up your vagina, babe. Striking the right pose—i.e one that maximizes comfort and ease of entry—is essential. Philips says the ideal fisting position is one that relieves tension on the receiver’s legs and hips: “The person may feel more comfortable on their back with their ankles propped up in ankle straps on a sling or on their partner’s shoulders.”
Other good options? The fistee may want to lie on their side, on their belly, or be up on all fours. Try experimenting with different positions to figure out what feels most comfortable for you and your partner.
4. Don't feel the need to compare your fisting experience to what you’ve seen in porn.
Remember, porn really typically a realistic portrayal of sex, and you def shouldn't feel like you need to compare or compete with what you’ve seen online. Winnick says to keep in mind that porn actors (pros and amateurs alike) have spent hours training and prepping for a fisting scene, and then cutting and editing the footage to make a finished product. Real life and real sex isn't like that, and that’s okay!
5. It’s also totally fine if you can’t do it the first time or don’t get as far as you’d like.
Fisting takes practice and training and prep! Winnick notes that it’s okay if the first time you try it, it doesn’t go exactly as planned or pictured.
6. Get some gloves first.
Even if you wash your hands thoroughly, you want to make sure there are no abrasions from the nails or hangnails, explains Carol Queen, PhD, co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. It’s also super important to make sure the gloves fit well—any folds could be uncomfortable for the bottom, adds Queen. And make sure the gloves won’t cause more of a problem than they intend to solve. If your partner has a latex allergy, go with a non-latex material.
7. Schedule time for aftercare.
“It’s a good idea to bring a fisting bottom down gently after the act, as well as staying in touch and checking in,” says Queen. The reason being that fisting can be a very intense sexual act, especially if you’re new to it, she explains. And while vaginal fisting isn’t as likely to cause physical damage as rectal fisting, it is still possible (especially if you don’t use enough lube or wear a glove!). Addressing any physical discomfort or injury post-fisting is an important part of aftercare as well.
8. Know that spotting can be a bad sign.
Winnick notes that if you notice spotting a few days after a fisting sesh, you should definitely check in with your doctor. “Sometimes fisting can cause micro-tears in the vaginal tissue,” Winnick explains. Not only are micro-tears bad news, but they can also be risky if you or your partner has an STI. Your best bet is to always practice safe fisting and to not be afraid to call your doctor should anything seem out of the ordinary.
9. Start small.
“I tell my clients that small movements feel big,” says sex therapist and sexuality professor Erika M. Evans. Once you’re inside, try moving your wrist in small circular movements, or use your knuckles or fingers to wiggle around ever so slightly to create different sensations.
10. Not everyone will be able to receive the whole fist.
Queer porn performer Andre Shakti says only half of her partners have been able to receive a full fist, because their anatomy just couldn’t accommodate an entire hand. Everyone’s body is different, and some partners may have more physical limitations when it comes to certain sex acts. If fisting just isn’t going to happen, don’t force it! In case you missed it, there’s no shortage of ways to stimulate a vagina and/or explore anal play.
11. Get ready to purchase and use all the lube in the store.
Shakti says that even if you think you’ve put enough lube on both your hand and your partner’s genitals, apply more. She recommends using a silicone lube, as it’s generally thicker and longer-lasting than water-based lube. She also says to make sure to leave lots of time to relax and experiment with your partner. Fisting is “definitely not something to try during a lunchtime quickie,” partly because it can also be super messy. Which leads me to my next point…
12. You’re going to want to lay down some towels, because it’s about to get wet.
As a precaution, you might want to arrange some dark-colored towels or a Liberator Throe on the bed beforehand, because with all the lube you’ll be using, the odds that it’ll leak all over your sheets are very good indeed. Better safe and dry than wet and sorry.
13. Real talk: Trim your nails and take off your nail polish.
If you’re the fister, Shakti says you want to make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed, and your hands are recently washed clean, and free of cuts, abrasions, rough edges, and nail polish (because duh, it’s going inside a body). You can also use latex or nitrile gloves, and if you really don’t want to cut your nails, you can always wrap the tips of your fingers in medical gauze or stuff the tips of your gloves with cotton balls to “pad” them so your partner doesn’t get clawed in the worst possible place to get clawed. Jess Wilde, Lovehoney’s bondage and fetish expert, says you can also get a fisting mitt, which is a smooth latex mitten worn over one hand to create a barrier between the giver’s hand and the receiver’s bodily fluids. Basically, wearing the mitt is an added safety measure and reduces the risk of accidentally scratching your partner internally.
Renegade Rubber Renegade Rubber Long Latex Fisting Mitten
Renegade Rubber Renegade Rubber Long Latex Fisting Mitten
14. Do not use fisting gels with numbing agents!
Wilde says a lot of anal-fisting lubes have numbing agents in them, but it’s a horrible idea to use them, particularly with vaginal play, because it can stop the receiver from being aware when something isn’t going well for them or is painful. The person being fisted should always be able to feel everything so they can stop play if something becomes uncomfortable, so skip these gels for sure.
15. Communicate every step of the way, especially if you’re new.
Wilde says that if you’re being fisted and something feels great, tell your partner, and the same goes for anything that hurts or is uncomfortable. Shakti also recommends having a safe word since fisting can be so intense.
16. Make sure your partner is as aroused as possible beforehand.
This is definitely not a sex act where you want to rush foreplay, so take your time and use smaller toys or even just a few fingers to get your partner wet and aroused. Basically, the more aroused they are, the bigger, wider, and wetter they’ll become, which will make it a lot easier to get your whole fist inside when the time comes.
17. Add one finger at a time.
Wilde recommends starting however you normally would sexually, and then move up one finger at the time until you partner can comfortably accommodate four of your fingers. Then, you can then start to move your thumb into position to create a “beak” shape with your fingers and your thumb (basically pulling your pointer and baby finger together underneath your middle finger). This allows your hand to be tapered, which is easier for slowly inserting to your partner. At that point, it’s just about getting past your knuckles, because then your full fist will form pretty naturally once you’re inside.
18. Use your knuckles like they’re a part of the sex toy that is your hand.
Shakti says that it can often be tough to get past the knuckles when you’re inserting them, but once you do, you can use them to rock back and forth and put pressure on the internal part of the clitoris. You can also play at the edge of the vaginal opening, bringing the knuckles in and out.
19. How many things can you do while fisting? So many things.
Now that you’re inside your partner, you can experiment by rotating your wrist gently, making small movements with your fingers, and rocking your knuckles up and down as mentioned before. Oh, and feel very free to keep reapplying that lube. Seriously, more is more.
20. Use a clitoral toy in tandem with fisting.
Fisting requires that the vagina be as aroused as it can be. Often, having a toy to provide clitoral stimulation can be the key to getting you there. Marie suggests using a clit sucker toy or a small clitoral bullet. “The vibration, stimulation, and pleasure can help relax and ease the muscles in the area,” she says. “Adding that extra layer of external stimulation can allow for a more pleasurable experience.”
21. Feeling extra adventurous? Add in a butt plug.
Now, if you feel like you really want to go for it, Marie says you can pop in a butt plug before you move into fisting. This is, like, the ultimate fullness experience. It’s basically fisting on steroids. Because the anus is also filled with sensitive nerve endings, the butt plug can help up the pleasure, which can make fisting feel even more intense.
Definitely go for something small because you don’t want to totally overdo it. We like the Unbound Nudge for beginners.
22. Be aware of the deeper spots to explore.
Fisting can be a really good opportunity to explore some of the deep pleasure areas inside of the vagina, says Linnea Marie, a board-certified sex educator. Try stimulating the A-Spot, “which is the anterior fornix erogenous zone close to the cervix and right above the bladder,” says Marie. You can also locate and stimulate the internal part of the clitoris located on the front of the vaginal wall.
Lastly, Marie says you can get after the C-Spot, which is directly on the cervix. Not every person will enjoy every spot that can be stimulated during fisting, but the combination of extreme fullness with one of these spots being gently stroked can be explosive. Try small circles with the fingers, gentle pressing, and circular motions. And, of course, don’t forget to communicate to make sure everything feels good for your partner.
23. The person who’s just been fisted might end up feeling like her vagina just ran a marathon.
After you’ve been fisted, Shakti says it’s possible your vagina will get incredibly sensitive, and you might even be a little sore for a day or two afterward. Using lots of lube, going slowly during sex, and drinking lots of water after helps to alleviate the discomfort, but it can still happen. Queen says you also might see some blood depending on how vigorous the sex was, or if the person is on hormone replacement therapy (which can change the delicacy of the tissue for some people), but it should stop. Queen adds that fisting injuries are pretty rare (though she does say to exercise extreme caution if the person you’re fisting has had a complete hysterectomy or vaginoplasty). But if you continue to bleed, even if it’s just a regular drip, go to the ER as soon as possible.
24. Whatever you do, go slow as hell when you’re coming out of your partner.
Shakti says that people who haven’t fisted before tend to want to yank their fist out of their partner’s body right after they’ve orgasmed, but it’s super startling and very painful for the person you’ve just fisted. She recommends just remaining still and then massaging the outside of your partner’s vagina with your other hand to relax the muscles while you slowly and carefully work the other hand out. You can also give your partner a vibrator to use on themselves to distract them from what could be a painful removal scenario, transforming it into what fisting should be overall, which is super fun and awesome.
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
