Dear Amy: My friend "Laura" has seemed distant to me lately.
Of course, I did. She then told me that I must have inadvertently "butt-dialed" and called Laura on my cellphone. Laura told our friend that she heard my husband and me making fun of her son.
I was shocked. If someone had mistakenly dialed me, I would never listen to their private conversation!
(Our mutual friend, however, said she would "totally listen.")
Most important, I would never make fun of Laura's son: He is mentally challenged.
Why didn't she confront me in front of the other friends, instead of telling them when I wasn't there?
I feel like I've been tried and convicted.
I'm also really angry that she eavesdropped. Should I bring this up to Laura?
— Flummoxed
Flummoxed: For people who use voice-assisted dialing on their phones, the phone can place a call if it hears a prompt. And so, when you were gossiping about “Laura,” your phone automatically connected to her number.
(Blame Siri — she’s such a busybody!)
I’m going to take a contrary position to just about every point you raise.
Yes, I would totally listen to a call if someone “pocket-dialed” me and I heard my name mentioned. So would you, by the way.
And do you actually want your friend to confront you about your behavior in front of your entire friend group? No, you don’t.
Yes, “Laura” should have raised this issue with you privately, but what happened is so dramatic that I can understand why she didn’t.
Even though you deny what you have been accused of saying, you seem to be issuing a “non-denial denial,” a concept popularized by Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein to describe the evasion and equivocation by Nixon’s attorney general during the Watergate scandal. (Please, don’t be like John Mitchell.)
The way you should handle this is to talk to Laura, privately, and apologize. Do not blame her for eavesdropping. Ask her to describe what she overheard. Correct any misapprehensions, admit to the truth and ask for her forgiveness.
And make sure your phone’s screen is locking after you’ve used it.
Dear Amy: My significant other and I have lived together for over 10 years in a house I own.
Over time, her alcohol consumption has increased and is now a daily activity. She starts drinking at 3 p.m.
When she drinks, she is hard to deal with, both for me and for her teenage daughter.
I quit drinking three years ago. I hoped my sobriety would encourage her to at least cut back.
I have gotten lots of promises from her. They are always broken.
Both her daughter and I avoid being with her when she drinks.
Now that society is opening up, I want to exit this relationship.
I don't want all the drama of kicking her out, so I am considering renting a place to live in for the next year so her daughter can stay in place and graduate from high school.
After that, a lawyer can handle the eviction.
I need the courage to take the first step, but it is so hard after all these years.
Your advice?
— Done and Done
Done and Done: Your plan sounds both practical and compassionate. Please, solicit legal advice before leaving your property.
If you went through AA, you’ll know that the first step in that 12-step recovery program is ... honesty.
Admit your powerlessness over your partner’s addiction. Write down your plan and present it to her.
And please, introduce her daughter to Al-Anon. Al-anon.org offers in-person meetings, as well as an online chat function for teens.
Dear Amy: I read your response to "Devastated Wife" and boy, what a blast from my past of three years ago.
I'm now waiting for my divorce to finalize, and every day is a blessing.
It hurts to move on, but I can carry my happy marriage memories with me without being drowned in the reality of an unhappy marriage.
I hope that Devastated can do the same and summon the courage to leave her unhealthy marriage to her alcoholic husband.
— Cheerful divorcée
Cheerful divorcée: “Devastated Wife” detailed the cycle of codependency with her addict-husband. I hope she takes care of herself.
2021 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency
